Monday, December 19, 2011

Items for Sale

I love going to stores that offer unique gifts, especially around the holidays because my family is definitely "special" and has a twisted sense of humor. A store that is consistently stock with unique inventory is The Afternoon Store. It has three locations in the United States, two in Omaha and one at the Mall of America. This was my first time in the store during the Christmas holiday, and I honestly believe that this store has something for everyone. Below are some of my favorite items in the store. Even though the items themselves are humorous, my commentary is in red. 

Product: "How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack."
Description: A book with a comprehensive survival guide that will help you prepare for a gnome attack.
My Reaction: I am expecting to see a remake of the Nickelodeon cartoon show, David the Gnome, with a new Garden Ax Massacre plot.
Product: Honest Boy Pencil Sharpener
Description: Pinocchio pencil sharpener whose "nose" gets smaller the more a pencil is sharpened.
My Reaction: Looks like Pinocchio doesn't require plastic surgery for his rhinoplasty. 
Product: Kiss Me Frog Shaped Chocolates
Description: 2 Milk and 1 Caramel Chocolate Truffles
My Reaction: Now I am not a chocolate fan, but last I checked, you were suppose to eat chocolate not kiss it.
Product: Talking Bag Clip
Description: When opening bag clip, it will make a sound "Oink"
My Reaction: A less than subtle reminder that you shouldn't be eating those chips.
Product: Messenger Bag
Description: Messenger Bag with the saying "I like big mutts and I cannot lie" on it
My Reaction: Let me be the first one to introduce you to the collaborative song by Sir Mix A Lot and the Baja Men (one hit wonder with the song "who let the dogs out")
Product: Book
Description: Worst Ideas Ever book: A Celebration of Embarrassment
My Reaction: I think this book has a typo in the author names, this book was written by former President George W. Bush
Product: Coasters
Description: Snarky coasters with some of the following sayings: "When in doubt, Mumble" "For a good time (call someone else)" "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you." "So when's the wizard going to get back to you about that brain?"
My Reaction: I think I am going to start handing these out as "words of wisdom." Think of them as a fortune without the cookie.
Product: Napkins
Description: Napkins with a cartoon on it that says "Never, ever, think outside the box."
My Reaction: I am sure Jack In the Box would love even the option to be able to think outside of a box.
Product: Napkins
Description: Napkins with a snail being compared to a tape dispenser with the saying " I don't care if she is a tape dispenser. I love her."
My Reaction: I wonder if an alligator feels the same way about a stapler.

Product: Book
Description: Drawings that are drawn by drunk people, hence the title Don't Drink and Draw
My Reaction: I wonder what is the punishment for first time offense? Finger painting with children for community service hours?
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Friday, December 16, 2011

Book Review: The Snark Handbook

Do you have what it takes to be snarky? I hope so, because I am so ready for a verbal sparring after this book. And I am seriously contemplating renaming my blog to Snarky Midwest Girl (I know I am so humble). The creation of the word "snark" has been postulated to originate from the words "snide" and "remark" being combined to create conversation that contains both hilarity and satire. When you think of snarky people, who comes to mind? Your best friend? TV shows? Movies? Literature? Bloggers?? hint hint :)  I recommend this book as one that you purchased and keep on your bookcase or elibrary, and not one you just borrow from the library. Best 168 page investment a person can make! However, there is a disclaimer before implementing any snark. Disclaimer: Snark is usually best when it's done in the company of others, implemented at an idiot's expense, and remember there is a time and place for snarks (so don't sue me if you get a black eye). So, you may be wondering, "Shaida, how do I become snarky?" Well if you have to ask then you may not have the gift, because snark is usually innate. But here is a 4 step program on  how-to-be-snarky!

Snark 101
1. Be direct. Critically direct.
2. Timing.
3. It's all personal.
4. Be Negative

Okay are you ready for a snark war yet? If not, I am going to share some of my favorite snarky quotes from the book to build your confidence up so my snark victory tastes that much snarkier!

  • Don't hate yourself in the morning---sleep until noon.
  • A friend is someone you can call to help you move. A best friend is someone you can call to help you move a body.
  • Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
  • I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. -Brian Kiley
  • Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -Sam Levenson
  • My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.-Rita Rudner
  • I might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
  • The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job. -Slappy White
  • I'm so poor I can't even pay attention. -Ron Kittle
  • My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. -Benjamin Disraeli
  • Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.
  • I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. -Tommy Cooper
  • I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
  • Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
  • I'm still an atheist, thank God.
  • Don't thank me for insulting you; it was a pleasure.
Pickup Snark
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Women: Do not enter.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Women: sorry, there are no services today.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Women: I like it just the way it is, with N and O together.

5....4.....3.....2.......1 LET THE SNARKING BEGIN!
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Sunday, December 11, 2011

Final Days

We all have been there. Studying for finals and looking for the perfect way to NOT STUDY! We all have our own personal approach and methods to procrastination for this horrific time of year. Whether it's Facebook stalking or tweeting about how much studying you need to do, sometimes you need something that involves more time-extensive procrastinating. The newest trend is http://pinterest.com/. I saw a Facebook status that stated "Facebook is the new MySpace, and PinInterest is the new Facebook." Call me old fashion, but my preferred method of procrastinating is http://www.stumbleupon.com/.  My procrastination experience wouldn't be complete without creating a new post for my blog. StumbleUpon, PinInterest, Facebook, and Twitter all have apps for the iPad; therefore, now I can procrastinate on my phone, computer and iPad. Life just cannot make it easier to procrastinate.  

Here is some Finals Humor to get you through your finals week and weekend!



  • Studying is joined by two words: students and dying= stu+dying=studying
  • Urban dictionary's definition
    • Finals Week
      • The worst week of a college or high school students life. Finals week involves pulling an all nighter to reverse the months of slacking that have killed their grades. Final week involves a lot of stress and very little sleep, the college or high school student will be on edge the entire time, thus it is not a good time to screw with them by playing practical jokes or something you might find funny.
      • The one week on college campuses where people stop buying weed an everyone buys Adderall.
      • A dormant superhuman power laying in young adults that come out two-three times a year in times of great desperation.
    • Finals
      • Test designed by teachers to lower self esteem; also takes up precious hours of free time from students; has a tendency to lower grades *derived from the word final meaning your final days of freedom if your parents find out you the failed the test.


Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,
The students were praying for last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.
In my own apartmnt, I had been pacing,
And dreaded exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,
And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee, and brewed a new pot.
No longer caring that my nerves were all shot.
I stared at my notes, but my thoughts they were muddy,
My eyes went a blur, I just couldn't study.
"Some Pizza might help," I said with a shiver,
But each place I called refused to delivered.
I'd nearly concluded that life was too cruel,
With futures depending on grades had in school.
When all of a suden our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless, her manner was mellow,
She wore a white toga, and started to bellow:
"What kind of student would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers what they tossed at us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On last year's exams!
On Wingit and Slingit, and last minute crams!"
Her message delivered, she vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing outside in the night.
"Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best.
Happy finals to all, and to alll, a good test!"
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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

BEST YouTube Videos of the Year

We all have done it: Got onto YouTube to watch ONE video, and then magically, two hours have passed by without you even realizing it. Here is a collection of some funny and AMAZING videos! Don't let two hours pass you by :)

I didn't watch X Factor but I stumbled upon this video and absolutely loved it! Skip ahead to 2:30
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Monday, December 5, 2011

Books With Kamikaze Tendencies

Don't let your next book be a statistic, unless, you throw it at a Jersey Shore cast member; sometimes a book has to sacrifice itself kamikaze style for the greater good of the world!
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Surviving Holiday Shopping

So recently I have become addicted to the magazine, Real Simple, it really is a magazine that makes my life simpler (you gotta love those literal meanings), and at the low price of only $4.99 a month. What a bargain, right? Well in the November 2011 issue it has a article titled, "Your guide to getting your shopping done in day" that I thought it was pertinent to share that list (in green) and of course my commentary (red).

  • 8am 
    • Fuel up
      • Skip a carbohydrate-filled breakfast, but rather have a meal loaded with fiber, protein and healthy fats.
      • Are you telling me that there are people out there that do not need to start their day with fiber...who are these people? 3 year olds? And don't worry editors at Real Simple, I have seen the commercials, you are what you eat. Therefore, I know if I eat a donut, then my butt will instantly become a donut on steroids and I will not be able to walk through doors.
    • Don't dress just for comfort
      • Don't wear sweats and sneakers because they make you feel insecure.
      • Instead, makes sure you wear your wedding dress (or for us single ladies, a prom dress) with heels. This is the ensemble will totally boost your self-confidence! And your family didn't want you to spend so much money on a dress that you were only going to wear once; you proved them wrong! Plus implementing this choice of apparel will solidify   Guideline #4- head out solo.
    • Download an upbeat playlist
      • "Holiday music makes us nostalgic. We linger in the store and buy more to capture that warm, fuzzy feeling."
      • If I am trying to capture that warm and fuzzy feeling I will just get a stuffed teddy bear. Also nothing says cheery shopping music like some Eminem.
    • Get dibs on discounts
      • Download apps offered by your favorite retailer (latest information on sales) or the ScanLife app (which gives you the best price at a local or online establishment).
      • You want to get the most discount, encourage your friends to do a coupon war for holiday shopping. I am sure all of the cashiers will LOVE you.
    • Head out solo
      • People tend to mimic one another.
      • WHAT? People can feel peer pressured? Fine, I will head out solo but I am totally going to skype my friends during my shopping adventures; how else am I going to get their opinions on the cute shoes for me....I mean for my mom...
  • 9:30am
    • Stop at the bank
      • Leave your credit cards at home.
      • But I cannot unmemorize my credit card number, so this is a moot rule for me. I mean its typical and normal to have your credit card number memorize but yet have to look at your cell phone for you parent's phone number, right?
    • Then hit the mall
      • Go through a side door or the food court entrance to avoid eye appealing displays.
      • Hitting the mall sounds painful. Besides I was taught at a young age you only hit when you are hitting someone back.
    • Buy less expensive stuff first
      • Therefore you brain doesn't lose perspective on what is a good price.
      • Dilemma: what if I am getting a lump of coal for everyone. Each lump of coal is the same price; so where do I start?
  • 1pm
    • Eat lunch
      • Eating carbs will make you want to take a nappy-poo.
      • Don't forget that fiber. Besides you will probably be turned off on eating carbs after seeing fellow mall shoppers with muffin and bagel butts walking around and knocking over stuff all day.
  • 2pm
    • Perk yourself up
      • Treat yourself to something inexpensive in order to stay in a pleasant mood.
      • Child-free mall is a FREE thing to keep me in a pleasant mood. See I am all about saving money.
    • Skip lines
      • You might pick up something on the whim.
      • Therefore, just cut in line. Or flash a fake police or medical badge and say it's an emergency, retail emergency!
    • Steer clear of attractive sales people
      • People tend to trust folks whom they find physically appealing.
      • If only all sales associates were required to dress up as Santa Claus this would be a moot point.
    • Get in, get out
      • Don't listen to the sale pitches; it will make you more likely to buy the item(s).
      • Definitely go into the mall with the same mentality as if you were robbing a bank, "gotta get in and then get out as quickly as possible."
  • 6pm
    • Multitask at dinner
      • Eat dinner at a restaurant that offers gift-card freebies.
      • I multitask at every dinner- I have long-winded conversations and occasionally eat something.
  • 8pm
    • Back at home, search for discount codes
      • Look for websites with free shopping.
      • Wouldn't it be awesome if throughout your home there would be discount codes hidden throughout it...BEST SCAVENGER HUNT EVER!
    • Cash in your rewards
      • Use credit card points to go towards gift cards.
      • Doesn't cash always reap rewards?
    • Buy toys online
      • You don't have peruse ransacked selves.
      • Toy stores tend to the location where children literally multiple, and who needs that type of stress during the holiday season. Plus children are just time-ticking germ bombs, and I don't want to be there when a child explodes, or sneezes on me...yuck!
    • Be a little sneaky
      • Just as you're about to finalize an online purchase, cancel the order." "If you've previously shopped the site, the merchant should have your email address, and you may get a message within minutes touting a discount code."
      • Santa Claus is sneaky, why shouldn't you be?
  • ALL DONE

Or you can just shop online from the beginning in your PJs drinking coffee while avoiding cold weather (scraping your car), crying children, standing in lines, and no exercise necessary (except some finger exercising). Wow, I just came up with a one-step plan on surviving holiday shopping. Sometimes I  scare myself with my genius ideas.
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Saturday, December 3, 2011

11 Things to Know at 25(ish)

There comes a time in life where you try to decide, are you still a kid or an adult? Society and pop culture has a fascination, and at times a fear of growing older. Peter Pan is the mischievous boy who refuses to grow up. Despite yearly milestones, the Simpson family doesn't physically age. Tommy, Chuckie Phil, and Lil never were out of diapers. Returning to reality, we do not have that luxury of these pop culture characters; unless, you include Joan Rivers, who has spend millions of dollars to not look her age (which is 78 years old). So when are we expected to grow up? Well according to RELEVANT Magazine, 25(ish) is the magic number to become an adult. I am 25 years old; therefore, I thought it was time to be an adult. However, in order to complete this rite of passage, there are 11 things to know (with my commentary in red):

  1. You have time to find a job you love.
    • Okay I would like RELEVANT Magazine to write a note to the federal Direct Loan Program that students do not need to start paying back loans until we find our dream job.
  2. Get out of debt and stay out of debt.
    • No worries, I am paying my Visa credit card bill with my Mastercard right now...problem solved.
  3. Don't rush dating and marriage.
    • I think this was written for Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez (3 marriages),  Frank Sinatra (4 marriages), Rita Hayworth (5 marriages), Tony Curtis (6 marriages), Elizabeth Taylor (8 marriages) and the winner is Zsa Zsa Gabor with 9 marriages. I bet Gabor is shooting for an even dozen.
  4. Give your bests to friends and family.
    • I always tell my friends how much they mean to me......on facebook of course by "liking" their photos. After all, a pictures says a thousand words; therefore, every time I like a photo=1000 words.
  5. Get some counseling.
  6. Seek out a mentor.
  7. Be a part of a church.
    • I think the part of the church I want to be is the steeple; I think that is a safe distance away from all the children.
  8. Find a rhythm for spiritual disciplines.
    • Solitude. I hibernate.
  9. Volunteer.
    • I volunteer in my spare time to improving beginning drivers' ability. Whenever, I see a Student Driver car, I think quick, and become a road rage maniac; it makes the teenagers learn quick. I am still wanting for those hundreds of thank you notes.....
  10. Feed yourself and the people you love.
    • Why would I want to give food poisoning to myself and those I love....that's why there is take-out menus drawer.
  11. Don't get stuck.
    • Not a huge worry for me because there isn't a lot of quicksand around the midwest. Although, I will keep an eye out for wet cement...or is it concrete?
If you are interested in reading the actually article here is the URL: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/25956-11-things-to-know-at-25ish
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Thursday, December 1, 2011

FUNNIEST video EVER

The creators of this video are GENIUSES!! They deserve Oscars, Emmys, Tonys, heck even throw in the Grammys. This is the funniest video ever! It's so creative and hilarious! It's a 70 minute video, and no that isn't a typo. However, try and watch just a few minutes (50 minutes will pass by without you even knowing it). It's a bunch of short videos looped together. It kind of reminds me of Candid Camera, but 1000x's funnier. Have you picked up the theme of this video yet? Yep, it's FUNNY!

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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Christmas Quotes

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." 
W.C. Fields


"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
Dick Gregory 


"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Johnny Carson.


"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
Bernard Manning.


"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
Jay Leno.


"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?"
Tom Armstrong 


"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."
Victor Borge 


"Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." -Dennis Miller
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Monday, November 28, 2011

Bucket Lists

I think everyone should have a bucket list. I have two bucket lists. One is things I want to do before I graduate in December 2012. The other is things I want to do before I die. The things in red are things I have already done.

Graduation Bucket List

  1. Go on a hot air balloon ride (I have been on twice so far)
  2. Go bungee jumping
  3. Go sky diving
  4. See a local band
  5. Be a maid of honor
  6. Meet a celebrity (Have met and gotten my picture taken with Marcia Gay-Harden, Al Roker, Matt Lauer, Hope Davis, John Glover, Lauren Graham, Kate Jennings Grant, John Goodman, Nathan Lane, Bill Irwin) 
  7. Go on a spontaneous road trip with friends
  8. Visit Canada (Went to Winnebago)
  9. Visit Mexico
  10. Live someplace other than the Midwest (Live in Utah and will be living in Seattle May 2012)
  11. Invent a boardgame
  12. Go camping (in South Dakota)
  13. Visit a Renaissance Faire
  14. Run a 5K
  15. Go kayaking (down the Niobrara River)
  16. Go fishing (in Utah)
  17. Learn conversational Spanish
  18. Be a vegetarian (one month)
  19. Climb the Seattle Space Needle
  20. Visit the White House
  21. See Mount Rushmore
  22. Visit Las Vegas Strip
  23. Solve the Rubik's cube
  24. Learn how to crochet
  25. Learn how to knit
  26. Start a blog
  27. Be a spectator at a Broadway play (Seen 14 plays in NYC)
  28. Get a tarot card reading
  29. Get my palms read
  30. See a psychic
  31. Donate hair to Locks-of-Love
  32. Learn to change the oil in my car

Before I Kick the Bucket List

  1. Visit all 50 states
  2. Climb a mountain
  3. Swim in all 4 oceans
  4. Swim with sharks
  5. Go on a helicopter ride
  6. Go whale watching
  7. Adopt a pet from the animal shelter
  8. See Niagara Falls
  9. See Notre Dame Cathedral, Paris
  10. See the Vatican, Vatican City
  11. See Westminster Abby, London
  12. Visit the Louvre (see the Mona Lisa)
  13. Climb the Eiffel Tower
  14. See the leaning tower of Pisa
  15. Visit 6/7 continents
  16. Visit Auschwitz
  17. Ride a steamboat down the Mississippi River
  18. Visit Universal Studios
  19. Learn glass blowing
  20. Learn to juggle
  21. Read every book that has won a Pulitzer Prize in the fiction category
  22. Buy jewelry at Tiffany & Co.
  23. Be a foster parent
  24. Adopt a child
  25. Create my family tree
  26. Have a herb garden
  27. Donate blood
  28. Volunteer at a homeless shelter
  29. Donate clothes to a battered women's shelter
  30. Plant a community garden
  31. Be passionate about a cause (being more green)
  32. Own a Beagle
  33. Go to Times Square on NYE and count down as the ball drops
  34. Get hypnotized
  35. Have a signature dish (main dish: beef enchiladas, side dish: corn and cheese pudding, dessert: cookie surprise)
  36. Go without watching television for 365 days
  37. Witness a solar eclipse
  38. Ride something bigger than a horse (I have rode a camel)
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Sunday, November 27, 2011

Book Review: Heaven is for Real

It has become a unintentional thing for me to have blog posts that are funny (at least to me anyways); however, I am making an exception at the moment. I am blogging about a book (Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of his Trip to Heaven and Back) that I just read and reviewed on goodreads.com. My review of the book is provided below. I recommend this short book to everyone of all faiths and ages. After you read this book and would like to visit the website for the book that includes videos and another additional information about this Colton's story, here is the link, http://heavenisforreal.net/ Additionally, here is a youtube video (my advice is don't watch the youtube video before you read the book; there's spoilers!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdUGoFTfP7w&feature=related


This would not have been a book I would read had it not been the book of the month for my bookclub. And not reading this book would have been a missed opportunity to be enlightened (excuse the pun). Colton, a four-year-old son to a pastor in a small town in Nebraska got very sick and about a year after his recovery, spontaneously started talking about heaven. This book has Bible passages but never came off as preachy to me, but rather came off as a way for his parents to  guide their questions to ask Colton about heaven. In this book you truly get to see Heaven and Christianity through a child's eyes. However you would want to dress up Colton's miraculous recovery, rather by faith or science, this is a story I think everyone needs to read, feel, and share.

-I believe things about heaven in theory, but to be honest, I couldn't picture them. Colton provided a picture that is absolutely believable.
-After Colton's medical ordeal, he didn't fear death and was anxious to visit heaven again (i.e. running in front of cars). One of my favorite lines in the book is from father speaking to Colton "This time I get to go to heaven first. I'm the dad, you're the kid. Parent's go first!"
-Colton was basically a messenger, a tiny tour guide for those on earth and those departing heavenly travelers.
-God's story can reach anyone, anywhere, at any age- even a preschool girl (Akiane, a four year old that is introduced at the end of the book that had a similar heavenly experience). This made me think of that there is no rush or deadline for me to find my faith, and that makes me more of a believer.
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Sunday, November 20, 2011

You May Live in Iowa

I never repost a status on Facebook; however, a Facebook friend had this as her status. Not only is it super funny, but I completely relate to it. Copied directly from her status and posted here for your midwest enjoyment!

IOWA, according to Jeff Foxworthy: If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Iowa. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Iowa. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Iowa. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may ......live in Iowa. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Iowa. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Iowa. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Iowa. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Iowa. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Iowa. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Iowa. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Iowa. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Iowa. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Iowa. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Iowa. If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Iowa friends and others can see. You definitely do live - or have lived - in Iowa
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Saturday, November 19, 2011

Learn Something New

I am a fan of the TV show, Bones. It use to have a character on there called Vincent Nigel-Murray. He tended to blurt out trivial facts when under stress as a method of relieving anxiety. Today's post consists of trivial facts from a StumbleUpon find (URL at the end of the post). The facts are in black/bolded font; whereas, my commentary is in red/italicized font.


Hitler received 1,000 letters a month of fan mail.  I wonder if Hitler had a Facebook page: how many friends would he have, how many likes he would get on status updates, and if anyone would have the guts to poke him via Facebook...
The original title for the Beatles song 'Yesterday' was 'Scrambled Eggs' This is one of my favorite Beatle songs, but I definitely had to google the lyrics to see how in the world 'scrambled eggs' could have been the title of the song (I still don't understand). Especially since the most popular way to order eggs is over easy; but then with the song title 'Over Easy' I would think the song was about prostitutes.
Pigeons can't fart. Who needs to fart when you can poop every minute on plethora of inanimate (at times animate) objects.
The greatest height a chicken egg has been dropped without cracking is 700 ft. I bet they were allowed to use more than toothpicks to protect their egg. *I was only allowed to use toothpicks for a 9th grade science experiment, and the egg had to drop 15 feet without cracking.*
The world's oldest lightbulb is still working since 1901.  Whoever took out a warranty on this lightbulb is probably feeling pretty foolish right now.
Wayne Allwine, the voice of Mickey Mouse, was married to Russi Taylor, the voice of Minnie. I bet a refrigerator full of cheese is what kept this marriage together.
If you pee in the shower you can save 1157 gallons of water a year.  There are just some things I am just not willing to do to leave less of a carbon footprint. This would end up leaving more of a pee-footprint that in my opinion leaves a longer lasting negative effect.
A pig's willy is shaped like a corkscrew. However, don't look at this as a substitute to open wine bottles, instead of hearing the "pop" from the bottle, you are going to hear a "squeal".
The longest traffic jam was 110 miles long. I would only last the first 5 miles....maybe.
There are 6700 languages.  Being fluent in only one language seems exponentially insignificant now. 
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2eGLAB/pete.com/view/learn-something-everyday-part-2
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Monday, November 14, 2011

Texas and Louisiana Adventure

Last week I was on clinicals in Houston, Texas. Also, during clinicals I explored San Antonio, Texas and Louisiana. I haven't uploaded my pictures yet (but I will soon), but here are some of the things I learned from my trip.

  1. The Alamo is so small! I compare the disappointment I felt from seeing the Alamo to the time when I saw the Mona Lisa was about the size of a piece of computer paper.
  2. Alligators hiss. I went on a swamp tour on Lake Martin in Louisiana and I got to be about 3 feet from an alligator. And apparently when your crazy Cajun tour guide pokes an mama alligator with an oar she's gonna hiss and show her 80 sharp, skin-ripping teeth to you.
  3. That it is really easy to gain weight from eating in Texas. I mean they say "everything is bigger in Texas" for a reason; that includes the portions.
  4. That 68 degrees is considered cold this time of year in Texas. And walking around in T-shirts will earn you stares from Texans, because they are in wool coats and scarves when it is 68 degrees.
  5. If Houston, Texas gets one inch snow then the entire city shuts down. Man I wish this would happen in the midwest; because I think I would have experienced like 100 snow days while in college.
  6. Since I am going into the healthcare profession, I need to learn spanish as a second language and be super fluent in it. There is only so much one can communicate with one-word answers, pointing to things, and over-exaggerated hand gestures.
  7. Fried Oreos may sound disgusting but they are soooo good! And I hate endorsing anything that Kim Kardashian enjoys but they are so worth it. (FYI: I became aware of fried oreos because Kim went on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and introduced them about a year ago).
  8. Texas is the only the state where I have seen the state flag 100x's more than the American flag. And at times the Texas flag was bigger and higher than the American flag.
  9. Football isn't a game; it is a way of life. You need to decide pretty quickly if you are pro or con Longhorns, because after the question "what's your name?" then "are you a Longhorn fan" is going to be the next question. And hopefully, you will answer correctly in that person's eyes.
  10. I had a patient say "He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch." Which apparently means, not the most handsome of men. Prepare yourself for other Texas Figgers of Speech and the famous southern drawl.

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Monday, November 7, 2011

Texas Road Trip Quotes

On Friday I made the journey from Omaha to San Antonio with one of my best friends. We did not stay at a hotel; therefore, we kept driving all night and took turns driving. Even though we were exhausted most of the road trip, we still found plenty of things to make us laugh. Since this is my blog, it is only fair that I pick on the amusing things my friend said during our trip so far. Of course, some of these quotes you may just had to be there, but I found them hilarious at my friend's expense. In this post, my friend's name is "Sue".

-When we were leaving Sue's house, she was reversing out of her driveway and honking her car horn continuously. I then inquired what's with all the honking. Sue replied that she was letting the outdoor cats know that she was backing out of the driveway. She was just warning them.
-As we were leaving Sue's hometown (which can be classified as small town Nebraska); we passed by the Wal-mart. She pointed out the Wal-Mart and said that it was the place she hung out with her friends during high school. They would sit in the lawn chairs in the garden center and just hang out on the weekends.
-During the road trip, we were contemplating when and where we should pull off to take a nap. We were discussing what we considered "safe" and "unsafe" rest stops; Sue commented that she doesn't see anything wrong with parking in a mall's parking lot and taking a nap. And then she continued to state that she has pulled over into a mall on her way back from school (which is approximately a 20 minute commute) because she was just too tired to continue driving, and took a nap.
-(Driving in Texas) Sue: "Shaida, what is that on the side of the road?"  Shaida: "A dog. What did you think it was?"  Sue: "I dunno, a weird Texan Animal, like a dingo." FYI Dingoes are from Australia and Not Texas.
-A billboard sign says "Real Austin, Real News." Sue thought it said "Real Autism, Real News."
-Sitting down to dinner in San Antonio, Sue says, "I am so tired and exhausted. I cannot imagine how exhausted ducks get when they migrate from Canada." Yes ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to Canadian ducks, not geese :)

The trip hasn't finished yet, but I am so lucky to have a friend that I can laugh at the mistakes she says and do, and also a friend that will forgive me for the mistakes I commit. As Elbert Hubbard stated, "A best friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway." This trip wouldn't be as memorable or amusing without my partner in crime, “Sue”.


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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

First Snowfall of the Season

Today it snowed for the first time. Once the novelty of the first snowfall wore off (which was 5 minutes later), I returned to a snow Scrooge. Everyone probably remembers around the time they stop believing in Santa Claus. I stopped believing in snow November 2005. What is significant about that day? It is when there was 2 feet of snow that fell and I still had to attend college classes. Therefore, I realized my love for snow was rooted in the possibility that classes would be cancelled. It would be four years later until I had a snow day again (in graduate school), but I still hate snow. I hate snow for several reasons.

  • The white dry snow on the bottom of jeans; it makes rewearing the same pair of jeans very difficult without washing first-or so I have heard....
  • The impending doom that I am going to fall or slide ungracefully on the ice.
  • It is a 100 times harder to leave the house when it is snowing, I think I was a bear in a past life; because all I want to do when it snows (or snow is on the ground) is hibernate.
  • Roads become treacherous, and I actually start going the speed limit.
  • I can't answer my touch phone because I am wearing gloves. And yes I have tried answering my phone with my nose, and the results are inconsistent.
  • Car gets covered in a parking lot and then I can't find it and then I am the idiot that has to use their car alarm.
  • Snow is only pretty and white for the first 5 minutes and then it becomes dirty and ugly.
  • Depending on snowplows to plow the streets. 
  • Getting plowed into a parking spot and then having to spend 1-2 hours digging myself out.
  • Delays in the airport.
  • Interstates closed.
  • Going through gas quicker because I have to start warming up my car (especially when there is ice on the windows).
  • Shivering in my car until it warms up.
  • Going to school when it is dark and leaving school when it is dark. It's like the sun takes a 3+ months vacation.
  • When it snows (or is below zero for a while) I disbelieve in global warming; however, when it gets warmer again, I believe in it again.
  • The added expenses (heating bill, gas).
  • And the overall cold feeling and not being able to get warm. 
I think this URL truly represents my feelings towards snow as an adult. Happy future Snow Day to all you lucky kids who still get snow days!  http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2U9LOz/www.collegehumor.com/article/6428297/snow-days-then-and-now


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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Warning labels

In our lawsuit-obsessed society and the increase number of stupid people, product manufacturers are writing warning labels on just about anything and everything. From medication labels to electronic devices, consumers are having to weigh the ramifications and benefits for using items. However, once in a while, these warning labels not only inform but also entertain. Here are some examples of REAL warning labels on products; my commentary is in red.

  1.  Child-size Batman costume comes with the warning label: "Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly." Additional warning: If you buy this garment thinking you are going to fly then you are unworthy of the costume, because you do not know your superheroes; Batman doesn't fly, Superman does...DUH!
  2. A clothes iron comes with this caution: "Warning: Never iron clothes on the body." If one feels the need to get wrinkles out of clothes while wearing them, you can always use a straightener; but then of course you will need to use an iron on your hair, because it's only fair.
  3. The instructions for a medical thermometer advise: "Do not use orally after using rectally." The origin of the phrase, "You don't know where that has been." I would definitely advise asking this question the next time a nurse wants to take your temperature; she will definitely appreciate the proactive approach you take to hygiene and your health...trust me!
  4. The box of a 500-piece puzzle reads: "Some assembly required." Contact a neurologist STAT, some brain assembly is required, definitely some screws loose.  If there wasn't any assembly necessary it wouldn't be a puzzle; it would be a picture. 
  5. A box of PMS relief tablets has this advice: "Warning: Do not use if you have prostate problem." I see a future lawsuit for this product. The exception to the rule would be hermaphrodites. Dear hermaphrodite that receives loads of money from a lawsuit, my name is Shaida and I wouldn't mind a trip to Greece.
  6. Cans of Easy Cheese contain this instruction. "For best results, remove cap." Survival of the fittest 101. Individuals that need this instruction are the individuals I want to see on the TV show, Survivor.
  7. A warning label on a nighttime sleep-aid reads: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."It's daytime, so that means the nighttime warning doesn't apply, and you can take double the dose.
  8. Cans of self-defense pepper spray caution: "May irritate eyes." Addendum should be: May irritate eyes and cause grown men to cry for their mommies. 
Warning labels were from the following website: http://www.stumbleupon.com/to/s/1wAIUF
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Monday, October 31, 2011

True Facts

There are times in life when you hear something so odd that it is difficult to believe that it is true. Here is a list of interesting TRUE facts. The facts are in black, and my commentary is in red.

-One out of ten children in Europe are conceived on an IKEA bed.
I hope this isn't going to be the premise of a new advertisement campaign, even if this does make IKEA   more family-friendly.
-Antarctic is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.
If you can guarantee that there are zero children there, guess who's booking a one-way ticket to have the same zip code as Santa Claus...me!
-The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Did all the 12 year old boys have detention that day for Conclave?
-Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
Why would they need popcorn? It's not like they were watching a movie.
-A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.
Need to bury a body, no need for a shovel, call a mole.
-Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
Great another reason for me to avoid children, because of all them eating their peanut butter and jelly sandwich are just a ticking time bomb.
-A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.
I am going to need to see a demonstration before I believe this, oh and I get to choose the child to volunteer.
-Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
I bet it was a woman eating lean cuisine meals that came up with the self-adhesive stamp.
-Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.
This makes me think of a bunch of ants waking up in the morning and doing yoga and pilates before they carry away crumbs from your picnic.
-Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.
I am getting a premonition...I see the next organism that will be extinct is the ribbon worm. Cause of extinction will be stupidity and no self control with appetite. 
-Slugs have 4 noses.
I think they would have preferred four legs; therefore, it didn't take them a thousand years to move an inch.
-Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.
I think God/Mother Nature has a great sense of humor, since owls are nocturnal they never see anything but darkness.
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Saturday, October 29, 2011

Pet Costumes

I promise this is my last post that deals with pets (for a while anyways). This was part of a forward I received and thought I would share it! I hope you get a good chuckle out of the costumes and the facial expressions on the animals. The title of the website is 13 Hilarious Dog Costumes...
http://www.oddballdaily.com/2011/05/02/13-hilarious-dog-costumes/

P.S. Alligator Attack is my favorite one!
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Pet Humor

One of my favorite humorous authors is Chelsea Handler. In her most recent book, Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me, her dog, Chunk wrote a chapter from his perspective about Chelsea. This chapter was one of the funniest in the book. Therefore, after receiving a forward with pictures of animals (dogs and cats) in costumes, it made me wonder, what is "man's best friend" truly thinking on a daily basis. Thankfully, the internet has a website for just about anything. Here are some of my favorite.


Rules for Dog Owners, Suggested By Their Dogs
  1. I will not confuse my dog by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
  2. I will not ask my dog to play fetch with a boomerang.
  3. I will not drag my dog away from the interesting sniffing spots.
  4. I will not tell my dog to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of his business.
  5. I will not stare while my dog is doing his business.
  6. I will not feed the cat before I feed my dog.
  7. I will get rid of that cat.
  8. I will not bring home any more cats.
  9. I will never eat until my dog has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
  10. I will allow my dog on the couch
  11. I will protect my dog from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
  12. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
  13. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my dog is a good watchdog.
  14. I will not abandon my dog for trivial reasons like "going to work".
  15. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my dog was sleeping "illegally".
  16. I will not make my dog wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
  17. I will not make my dog pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
  18. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my dog.
Cat Jokes

Q: What do cats like on their hot dogs?
A: Mouse-tard

Q: What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies

Q:What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog. It croaks every night.

Q: What kind of cats like to go bowling?
A: Alley cats.

Q: What's happening when you hear "woof..splat..meow...splat?"
A: It's raining cats and dogs.

Here's the website if you crave some more pet humor! http://www.i-pets.com/hjokes.html
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Friday, October 28, 2011

'Tis the Season for Dressed Up Pets

We have all witnessed it....a little dog being walked with shoes on it's tiny little paws, or a  dog in a kilt and a miniature Argyll sweater (and it is not even Scottish).  Observing this can cause a roller coaster of reactions and emotions in a spectator-sympathy, pity, happiness, envy,  joy, amusement, etc. If you are one of those individuals that hate to see pets that have been dressed up by their owner, then I advise you to stay in your houses this weekend. This weekend there will be animals on the street that are not just in clothes but in COSTUMES. I am one of those individuals that believe that if the animal is not being harmed physically, then it is okay for them to wear a costume; who knows, it could keep them warm this Halloween season. You may have noticed that I did not indicate that the pet will not be emotionally harmed in the process of wearing a costume. We all know there is emotional damage when you have to wear something you don't want to; we all have had to wear a knitted sweater a grandma or distant relative have given to us for Christmas or a birthday, and I am sure your mother has the picture to prove it.

On a Jimmy Kimmel Live episode, he showed a Public Service Announcement (PSA) of an Animal Rights group against dressing up animals and it is funny. Here is the URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=IZWLJ55D8y8
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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Weather


I love how experts can predict the end of the world, but yet no one can predict the weather for tomorrow. Forget about the atrocious odds of winning the lottery, dressing correctly for the weather is even worse. In the Midwest, individuals always state that if you don't like the weather, just wait 5 minutes and it will change. When I was in undergrad, I left college to come home for vacation. I left 3 feet of snow in Iowa and drove 5 hours south to my parent's house (in Missouri). And those 5 hours made me seem like I was traveling to the equator. I arrived home to find my mother mowing the grass...crazy Midwest weather! However I cannot just pick on the Midwest. I lived in Utah for the summer, and the weather was just as stubborn. One moment the sun would be shining so brightly, and then you run into the gas station, and it would be pouring down rain when you came outside. I envision Mother Nature waking up every morning with a twisted sense of humor and us earthlings are the punch line. It is now a general rule that the first and last person I am usually upset with in the day is the meteorologist.

Weather seems to have become an icebreaker for causal conversations more and more in today's society (and topics for blogs). People may feel like when they run out of things to talk about (also know as a conversation crisis) that they can always talk about the weather. Additionally, in a strongly opinionated country (e.g. United States), talking about the weather can be a neutral topic of conversation.

However, if you look hard enough, one can eventually find humor in the ever-changing weather. Although these moments are rare for me, I definitely cherish them when I find them. Hopefully, these pictures from my trip from Canada will put a smile on your face no matter if you are experiencing sunshine, rain, snow or hail today.


A t-shirt
A wall picture


Weatherstone located in The Forks Market, Winnipeg, Canada
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Monday, October 24, 2011

Naughty Bears

We all have a childhood bear that we adored. We sympathized with Winnie the Pooh on his quest for finding and eating honey. We cheered on Yogi Bear on stealing a yummy picnic basket. We adored reading about the Berenstain Bears and how Brother Bear and Sister Bear got into and out of trouble. We all have wondered “What would we do for a Klondike bar” which is asked by a polar bear mascot. As children, we were drilled "That only YOU can prevent forest fires" by Smokey the Bear. Additional bears that one may have encountered in their life are Po (Kung Fu Panda), Snuggle (the fabric softener bear), Paddington Bear, and of course enjoyed the delicious gummy bears.

During Christmas break, Coco-Cola campaigns for their product by using animated Polar Bears. I hope this is not what the Coco-Cola bears do after filming a commercial………



These are pictures I took at the store, Urban Outfitters

I don't think this is the positive influence creators of our beloved fictitious bears had in mind, but it is still funny (at least to me). I just wish I knew a person I could give these salt and pepper shakers to as a gift, and who would appreciate it.
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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Unique & humorous products for SALE

I decided to take a road trip to Winnipeg, Canada. On the way to Canada I stopped at the Mall of America in Minnesota. Initially, I was on a mission to find some scarves for the windy and cold weather we have been experiencing in the Midwest. However, as any savy shopper can verify, window shopping is dangerous. I came across this store called The Afternoon, and my mission was momentarily delayed, and I spent two hours in this amazing store (which also had scarves). This store is a compilation on unique gifts and artwork. I honestly think this store has something (for me, it has somethings) for everyone. However, there were a few items that really were unique and funny; therefore, I caught them on camera and uploaded them here with product description and my reaction to the product for your enjoyment. The Afternoon is a rare store with only three locations, Mall of America and then two stores in Omaha. Don't live in these areas....then visit them online and order something for yourself or someone else.  http://www.theafternoon.com/

Product: iHOP and iCUSHION stand
Description:These products are used as a seat for your iPod and iPhone
My Reaction: Wow, not only are people less physically active, but even our electronics are  more sedentary now


Product: Design Ideas computer keys magnets
Description: Magnets in the shape of computer keys with a variety of sayings (ANY, ?#@!, ABORT, SNOOZE, HIDE, Boss Alert, $$$, Make Coffee, UNDO) that deal with the frustrations of a computer user. 
My Reaction: If only there was a "Do Homework" or  "Return to PowerPoint presentation, the professor is coming" key

Product: Useless Info notepad
Description: Used to generate useless info information that is imperative to remember
My Reaction: I am going to need a bigger notepad; all my information is useless

Product: Book
Description: A compilation of quotes: words of wisdom from people who have lived
My Reaction: I am thinking this book's author is the Stinky Cheese Man 
Product: Mighty Wallet
Description: A wallet that is made from a single sheet of a strong micro fiber material that is water resistant, super strong and incredibly long lasting. This wallet has no stitching.
My Reaction: Dynomighty (company behind this product) needs to come up Mighty Purses, because then women can literally take their purses anywhere. Want to take your purse scuba diving...go ahead, just make sure it doesn't clash with Ariel's (The Little Mermaid) purse.

Product: Cassette tape measure
Description: Tape measure shaped like a retro audio cassette tape
My Reaction: Will be a pain in the butt to rewind, fast-forward, or pause, I rather have a CD tape measure

Product: Cupcake Bath Bomb
Description: Moisturizes your skin, smells delightful, adds bubbles, all while soaking up natural salts in the bath. Directions that are on the product:Remove wrapper, drop in bathtub under running water for the ultimate sweet skin treat! May cause SLIPPERY TUB! DO NOT EAT
My Reaction: I am cutting calories out of my meals, so the last thing I want to do is add calories to my bath

Product: Decorative Wine Corks
Description: Wine corks with various sayings: wine tastes better with friends, liquid happiness, cheap wine expensive cork, I go well with friends
My Reaction: This is a useless gift for me. I have never used a wine cork before because it was never needed, is that a bad thing...do I have a problem? 
Product: Book called Jiggle Shots
Description: Contains 75 recipes on gelatin shots, such as, Purple People Eaters, and Apple Mini-tinis
My Reaction: For some reason a book called Jello Shots just doesn't have the same whimsical ring to it

Product: Band-Aids
Description: Band-Aids for that person in your life that whines about anything and everything. The Band-Aids have sayings on them, such as, "panda hug," "kitty scratch," and "emotional wound."
My Reaction: I want my Band-Aids to say "A child just touched me," "please just let me hibernate," "I'm tired of listening to you, do you have a mute button?" "no I don't want to do that; I'll just read about it in a book," "I really enjoy four seasons, but I really wish snow would only fall on my command."

Product: Green Eggs and Ham Cookbook
Description: Recipes from Dr. Seuss books, such as,  Cat in the Hat Pudding,  Moose Juice and Green Eggs and Ham
My Reaction: Using story time as a time to brainwash kids that green foods, brussel sprouts, cabbage, and broccoli really do taste good because look at your favorite character in the book enjoys them. 
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