Those Funny Canadians

I recently went on a trip to visit the cities of Richmond and Vancouver in British Columbia, Canada with one of my good friends from high school. This was my first time being in the city of Vancouver; therefore, we participated in some tourist destinations. One of those destination was the Historic Gaslight District in downtown Vancouver. While we were walking through this neighborhood I found some merchandise that I found to be amusing. The majority of the merchandise were t-shirts.

Evolution of a Canadian....eh!

Northern Exposure, Welcome to Canada

Take the Test:
If you got- 9 out of 10 correct: Congratulations, you are as Canadian as Stanfield's underwear and back bacon.
5 to 8 correct: Not bad...eh!
3 to 4 correct: You should be set adrift on Lake Louise in a canoe filled with Pierre Berton books.
0 to 2 correct: Oh! You're American. 

*I am Canadian*
I am not a lumberjack or a fur trader.
The BEAVER is a proud and noble animal.
I believe in diversity not assimilation.
I speak English and French not American.
I don't live in an Igloo or eat blubber or own a dog sled.
I pronounce it 'About' not 'A Boot'
I believe in peacekeeping, not policing.
It is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'... ZED!!
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I have a Prime Minister, not a president.

BEWARE: Moose dropping

May the Forest Be With You

All You-Can-Eat Buffet

I need a MOOSEage

Redneck Honey Boo Boo

It seems like I am behind having my first encounter with the unforgetable Honey Boo Boo. I have friends that have told me about this show but since I do not have cable and I tend to avoid all reality TV shows, I haven't seen it before....until my visit to my parents house. I was telling my mom (her name is June) that I was going to watch an episode, and her response, "I hate that the mother is named June too." The one episode turned into three.

Here's my reflection on no longer being a Honey Boo Boo virgin:

• I am secretly hoping there's a marathon of the show. The characters are such an ego-booster; I don't think my self-esteem has ever been so high.
• I feel slightly deprived that I did not ever participate in a "Red-neck Slip and Slide" while I was a child; therefore, I want to persuade my 8-year niece to be my accomplience, and then of course pin it all on her when/if we get in trouble.
• Red-neck Slip and Slide: is where a person covers themself in a trashbag and then spread butter all over their body. Then pour oil all over the floor. Then let the slipping and sliding begin.
• I am forever gratiful to my parents that I never ate roadkill.
• On the show they got a phone call early in the morning that a hog was dead on the side of the road. So the family went and got it,  skinned it, and cooked it. Then Honey Boo Boo goes on to describe her "Road Kill Wish List." A porcupine was one of the animals on her wish list because then she could use the spikes as toothpicks. Either Honey Boo Boo is the most resourceful girl in the world or the most frightening...I am leaning towards the latter.
• A person with the nickname Pumpkin, should NOT wear an orange dress to a wedding.
• The invention of Beano has probably kept together as many families as family counseling. This family considers that if a person passes gas 10-15 times a day then they are healthy. Sugar Bear (father) is the master of being healthy.

This show is definitely a guilty pleasure of mine currently, and yes I have never felt smarter. I am hoping to catch a few more episodes before I fly back to Seattle to reserve my copy of the following books at the Seattle Public Library:

• How to Honey Boo Boo: The Complete Guide on How to Redneckongize the Honey Boo Boo in You
• Cookin ' Like Mama: Decorate, diet, barbecue, coupon, and cook like June with recipes for "sketti," roadkill BBQ, lemonade, "marannaise sammich," and more.
• Fun And Games: From the Redneck Games and June's famous mani-pedis to Christmas in July, relax redneck-style.
• How To Be A Beautimous Queen: Discover Honey Boo Boo's pageant secrets: makeup and fashion tips and advice on great costumes so you can be a supa star and rock dat stage!
• Everything But The Kitchen SinK: Hilarious tales, how-tos, DIY projects, and lists of things to do, plus behind-the-scenes stories, family photos, secrets of Glitzy the pampered pet pig, and more!
• Talk Like Hone Y Boo Boo: A Redneckopedia with essential vocabulary like "redneckognize," "vajiggle-jaggle," "old man glue," and more.
• Oh Yeah or No Way? Do you know a "forklift foot" from a "neck crust"? Test your Honey Boo Boo knowledge with fun quizzes on the Honey Boo Boo way of life.

         

Hey, it's OK....

Currently I am in Missouri visiting my parents. One of the reason I flew home is that I am finally moving all of my furniture and boxes that I have been storing at my parents's house since my move from Omaha to Seattle. Thankfully, I hired a professional moving van lines so there will not be any amusing near death Uhaul posts on this blog of me driving cross country. I am going through my boxes and getting rid of things, and I came across a box that had torn magazine pages in it. Upon closer inspection, I saw that all the pages were from Glamour magazines from 2007-2010. All the pages were from the "life & happiness 100% guilt-free page." On average this page had 5-10 guilt-free statements. I have put my favorite ones on this post. Remember, since these pages are from issues from 2007-2010 some are a little outdated but still amusing in my opinion. While reading each statement, make sure you put a "Hey, it's ok..." in front of it.

Hey, it's OK.....

• To count candy corn as a vegetable.
• Not to buy soap, jelly beans, batteries and shampoo (things you don't need) just so you don't walk up to the counter holding only a pregnancy test. The checkout guy is not going to call your mother.
• To high-five a complete stranger who's wearing your team's gear.
• If you've never felt a "runner's high." Unless you mean the high you feel when you stop running.
• To kindly ask men to stop saying, " We're pregnant."
• If there's not a name for your haircut. It's just the "you."
• If your idea of an extreme sport is driving around on a quarter tank of gas.
• To hold on to the dress you "borrowed" till she asks for it back.
• If you usually polish off the popcorn before the movie even starts.
• To view vigilant leg shaving in the same class as wearing white linen: necessary between Memorial Day and Labor Day only.
• If you still get flustered when the bra department saleslady feels you up.
• To check yourself out in the surveillance mirror at the ATM. Hello, foxy!
• If you'd rather watch Sex and the City reruns than half of the new shows on TV.
• To carry a 10-year-old battered wallet in your $350 Coach bag.
• If there are more clothes piled on your bedroom chair than hanging  in your closet.
• To make everyone feel your head when you think you have a fever.
• That you like to be seen doing the crossword in pen, even when you have to scribble over each answer three times.
• That you have no idea what "http," "html" or "url" actually stand for. (HyperText Transfer Protocol, Hypertext Markup Language and Uniform Resource Locator. Feel smarter? You're welcome.)
• If the main reason you're excited about the Super Bowl is the barbecue wings.
• If all the "art" on your walls comes from Crate and Barrel.
• To have a strict no-bed-making policy on weekends.
• To only polish the two toes sticking out of your peep toes.
• To give everyone in first class the evil eye as you pass by.
• To secretly hope the barista accidentally uses full-fat milk in your latte.
• To take offense at whatever follows "Hey, no offense..."
• To consider Spanx an exercise plan.
• To not let your nephew beat you at Candy Land. The kid's gotta grow up eventually.
• To still not be able to drive a stick.
• To ask every one of your friends for advice, then do exactly the opposite.
• To consider yourself the most sophisticated woman since Audrey Hepburn, but still sleep with stuffed animals.
• To ignore any e-mail with a subject line beginning, "FWD: FWD:FWD."
• To wonder whether Indiana Jones is a little too old to be traipsing around like that.
• To say, "Oh it's vintage" when someone compliments you on the Wet Seal sundress you've been wearing since high school.
• To get it with fries.
• To have never quite mastered that public-toilet hovering move.
• To skip the whole "I hope we can still be friends" charade. You have friends.
• To like the villainess more than the heroine.
• To ask the sweaty dude at the gym to wipe off that machine.
• To take every single personal day, holiday and sick day you're entitled to.
• If you've held on to your job and your friends for years--but lose your umbrella practically every time it rains.
• If you learned all the fancy French words you know from a menu.
• To shamelessly beg the guy at the DMV to do your photo. Again.
• To take the bigger piece.
• To discover all your new music courtesy of THE HILLS.
• To take a quick YouTube break at work. A sneezing panda can really clear the head.
• To laugh inappropriately every time Maury says, "Billy Bob...you are the father."
• To wish you came equipped with guy GPS. ("Turn left at the next man to avoid heartbreak. Recalculating!")
• To decide that if wearing Uggs is wrong, you don't want to be right.
• To shove it in the closet and consider your place cleaned.
• To pretend to text message to get out of talking with that hyper-chatty person standing next to you. It's called communi-faking, and we all do it.
• To say it's homemade. You opened the box, you mixed, you cared.
• To do a little Internet cheating--er, research--before book club.
• To call your mother, oh, approximately three times per recipe.
• To not act fun and personable until two cups of coffee. Not one. Not one and a half. Exactly two.
• To wait in line at the ice cream truck, surrounded by people three and a half feet tall.
• If your iPod is full of singers who were born in the 1990s. What? No need for age discrimination.
• Not to even know the names of your favorite restaurants. "The Mexican place by the road near the thing" works just fine.
• If the only thing keeping you from getting a dog is, frankly, the poop.
• To press 0 to speak to a live human every single time.
• To believe your scale in the morning, but not at night.
• To think that hat head is deadlier than frostbite.
• That when the delivery guy arrives with an especially large order of Chinese food, you call out "Food's here!"--to an empty house.
• If people who are tan in the middle of winter kind of freak you out.
• If you've tried deep breathing, yoga and mediation, and still find that screaming into a pillow is the best stress relief there is.
• If the closest you'll ever get to skinny-dipping is running through a sprinkler without your shoes on.
• To skim the front-page headlines but read every word of pieces like "Zoo Gives Panda Viagra."
• To spend 30 minutes in the museum and an hour in the gift shop.
• To think about the burrito you're going to down for dinner all through your yoga class.
• To base your March Madness picks on which mascot is the furriest and cutest. (Heart that UConn husky!)
• If you still need to think "righty tighty, lefty lossey" to screw and unscrew stuff.
• To have popcorn for dinner every once in a while. It's a whole grain!
• To think that the solution for dying batteries is pressing harder on the remote.
• To have an inexplicable compulsion to hoard matchbooks from fancy restaurants (even if you're not a smoker).
• To change into your pajamas the second you get home from work.
• If your idea of ironing is hanging your clothes up in the bathroom and taking a really long, hot shower.
• If every now and then you still feel like giving your sister a good pinch.
• To take everything off before stepping on the scale--underwear, jewelry, ponytail holder.
• If you always have to peek at the person next to you at the dinner party to remember which fork to use first.

Peas Can Be Witty

While my niece was visiting me in Seattle, we visited the Seattle's Children Museum, which should definitely make me a front-runner if not the guaranteed winner for the best aunt in the world award this year. It was five hours of me scanning the environment for germ-carrying, sticky, loud children while humoring my niece with the different interactive exhibits. She had a blast which is want truly matters, and the fact that I will probably never have to enter that prison again is just icing on the imaginary cake. However, during my visit, I did stumbled across a collection of pictures that were hung up in one of the play restaurants, Beansprouts, in the museum. Beansprouts is an actual restaurant in Seattle. The pictures on the wall displayed peas and word play on the word "peas".  I have never been a fan of eating peas and I think they smell awful. However, I thought the pictures were witty and I hope you enjoy them just as much as I did.

Pretty Peas
Beanpole
Let it Bean

My Niece's Amusing Seattle Visit

My niece, Abigail, just recently visited me again in Seattle. I always enjoy spending time with my niece; she is relatively easy to entertain and is overall delightful. She makes my job as an aunt pretty effortless and she enjoys the city of Seattle just as much as I do. However, not having children of my own, there are things that I forget about kids since I don't have daily interactions with them. Here are some of the "my niece says/does the darnest things" examples from her visit in Seattle:

• Children have weird food cravings. My niece has cravings like a pregnant woman. When I asked her what she wanted for breakfast one morning, she replied " I want strawberry shortcake and pickles for breakfast." Being the rational aunt that I am I thought about her request. Strawberry shortcake contains grains, dairy, and fruit. Pickles are vegetables. Therefore, I added some turkey bacon to her request and it instantly became a balanced breakfast...no wait, it was a breakfast for champions and it solidified my status as an awesome aunt.
• While at the Pacific Science Center, the center had an exhibit where guests guessed the different smells. The scent that my niece sniffed was coconut. When I asked her what the smell was my niece replied that it smelled like French Fries. Either McDonald's has revamped what constitutes a French Fry or my niece has a bazaar olfactory process. But then again, my sister was never that good of a cook, so maybe she does utilize coconuts one way or another when attempting to make French Fries.
• When getting ready to drive to the zoo, my niece proclaimed that she is now old enough to sit in the front seat. Her facial expression portrayed so much excitement and pride. It was in that moment that I remembered as a kid, it is a big freakin deal to sit in the front seat.
• The phrases, "Just a second," "I am almost done," "Wait," "Just one more minute," and "I have to finish this first" are very annoying when spoken by someone other than me.
• I was reminded about the "5-seconds rule"when my niece dropped food on the floor. When I told my niece that the rule is not followed when she is around me, she replied, "Shaida, you really shouldn't break rules." And then I nicely argued back, "If you can tell me where it says that it's a rule that has be followed, than I will consider conceding." After explaining what the word concede means my niece then replied, "I will google it and show you." Google it???? That is so unfair, when I was her age there was no google around for me to win an argument with my parents. In conclusion, I am currently having to consider the 5-second rule because apparently EVERYTHING is on the internet.
• Pushing buttons (ex: garage doors, elevators) are what a child lives for in their life. I accidently pressed the button and was reminded in a defeated little voice "Shaida, you promised I could do it."
• When a child (or maybe it's just my niece) watches television while eating it results in so many crumbs on my couch that all the ants in the world could live a happy and full life. The defense that my niece presented on that matter...."Shaida, it's gravity's fault not mine. Do you know what gravity is?"  Abigail: 1  Science: 1 Shaida: 0 
• While watching a movie, my niece feels that it is her job to tell me when an actor/actress says a cuss word by stating "They just said a bad word."
• Children make strange requests. Here in Seattle, no matter if it's 80 degrees outside, the water temperature is still only 50 degrees. My niece wanted to wear her swimsuit so she could "play" in the water even after I relentlessly told her the water would be too cold to play in and it wouldn't be safe. I let her wear her swimsuit anyway. Apparently, I wasted the time "arguing" with her. She wouldn't get within 10 feet of the water, and when there was a wave, she ran away from it. After leaving the beach I asked her how she liked the beach. She replied that she enjoyed playing in the water. "IN" the water??
• Children can truly guilt you into ANYTHING. She got to sleep in my bed the last night she stayed with me in Seattle because she was so sad that it was our last night together. When I was trying to tell her that I wouldn't be able to sleep well because of her snoring. She told me that she doesn't snore, but rather she just breathes deeply. Conclusion: her breathing "deeply" sounds like a freight train....no, a freight train is quieter.
• Children travel with all of their stuff animals and expect you to remember their names, and are deeply insulted when you don't.
• When my niece was talking about some of the cartoons she watches and her favorite characters, I didn't recognize 99% of them. When I asked her if she ever watches some of the cartoons (Rugrats, Doug, David the Gnome) I saw as a kid, she replied "No, because I don't like watching black and white television." How old does she think I am??
• There is a wine bar here in Seattle called Purple. My niece wanted to eat there because she thought all the food would be purple. When I told her that is not the kinds of food they serve, she stated, "Well in the Dr. Seuss book, Green Eggs and Ham, the food was green; therefore, a restaurant shouldn't call themselves purple if they won't serve purple food because that really disappoints people whose favorite colors are purple and pink." I am sure Purple is thrilled that my niece does not know how to leave restaurant reviews on the internet at this moment.
• Children cannot remember that you told them to take their dishes and napkins into the kitchen, even though you told them 10 seconds ago, HOWEVER, they absolutely remember that you promised them something from the gift shop 4 hours ago.