Christmas Quotes

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." 
W.C. Fields


"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
Dick Gregory 


"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Johnny Carson.


"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
Bernard Manning.


"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
Jay Leno.


"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?"
Tom Armstrong 


"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."
Victor Borge 


"Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." -Dennis Miller

Bucket Lists

I think everyone should have a bucket list. I have two bucket lists. One is things I want to do before I graduate in December 2012. The other is things I want to do before I die. The things in red are things I have already done.

Graduation Bucket List

1. Go on a hot air balloon ride (I have been on twice so far)
2. Go bungee jumping
3. Go sky diving
4. See a local band
5. Be a maid of honor
6. Meet a celebrity (Have met and gotten my picture taken with Marcia Gay-Harden, Al Roker, Matt Lauer, Hope Davis, John Glover, Lauren Graham, Kate Jennings Grant, John Goodman, Nathan Lane, Bill Irwin) 
7. Go on a spontaneous road trip with friends
8. Visit Canada (Went to Winnebago)
9. Visit Mexico
10. Live someplace other than the Midwest (Live in Utah and will be living in Seattle May 2012)
11. Invent a boardgame
12. Go camping (in South Dakota)
13. Visit a Renaissance Faire
14. Run a 5K
15. Go kayaking (down the Niobrara River)
16. Go fishing (in Utah)
17. Learn conversational Spanish
18. Be a vegetarian (one month)
19. Climb the Seattle Space Needle
20. Visit the White House
21. See Mount Rushmore
22. Visit Las Vegas Strip
23. Solve the Rubik's cube
24. Learn how to crochet
25. Learn how to knit
26. Start a blog
27. Be a spectator at a Broadway play (Seen 14 plays in NYC)
28. Get a tarot card reading
29. Get my palms read
30. See a psychic
31. Donate hair to Locks-of-Love
32. Learn to change the oil in my car

Before I Kick the Bucket List

1. Visit all 50 states
2. Climb a mountain
3. Swim in all 4 oceans
4. Swim with sharks
5. Go on a helicopter ride
6. Go whale watching
7. Adopt a pet from the animal shelter
8. See Niagara Falls
9. See Notre Dame Cathedral, Paris
10. See the Vatican, Vatican City
11. See Westminster Abby, London
12. Visit the Louvre (see the Mona Lisa)
13. Climb the Eiffel Tower
14. See the leaning tower of Pisa
15. Visit 6/7 continents
16. Visit Auschwitz
17. Ride a steamboat down the Mississippi River
18. Visit Universal Studios
19. Learn glass blowing
20. Learn to juggle
21. Read every book that has won a Pulitzer Prize in the fiction category
22. Buy jewelry at Tiffany & Co.
23. Be a foster parent
24. Adopt a child
25. Create my family tree
26. Have a herb garden
27. Donate blood
28. Volunteer at a homeless shelter
29. Donate clothes to a battered women's shelter
30. Plant a community garden
31. Be passionate about a cause (being more green)
32. Own a Beagle
33. Go to Times Square on NYE and count down as the ball drops
34. Get hypnotized
35. Have a signature dish (main dish: beef enchiladas, side dish: corn and cheese pudding, dessert: cookie surprise)
36. Go without watching television for 365 days
37. Witness a solar eclipse
38. Ride something bigger than a horse (I have rode a camel)

Book Review: Heaven is for Real

It has become a unintentional thing for me to have blog posts that are funny (at least to me anyways); however, I am making an exception at the moment. I am blogging about a book (Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of his Trip to Heaven and Back) that I just read and reviewed on goodreads.com. My review of the book is provided below. I recommend this short book to everyone of all faiths and ages. After you read this book and would like to visit the website for the book that includes videos and another additional information about this Colton's story, here is the link, http://heavenisforreal.net/ Additionally, here is a youtube video (my advice is don't watch the youtube video before you read the book; there's spoilers!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdUGoFTfP7w&feature=related

This would not have been a book I would read had it not been the book of the month for my bookclub. And not reading this book would have been a missed opportunity to be enlightened (excuse the pun). Colton, a four-year-old son to a pastor in a small town in Nebraska got very sick and about a year after his recovery, spontaneously started talking about heaven. This book has Bible passages but never came off as preachy to me, but rather came off as a way for his parents to  guide their questions to ask Colton about heaven. In this book you truly get to see Heaven and Christianity through a child's eyes. However you would want to dress up Colton's miraculous recovery, rather by faith or science, this is a story I think everyone needs to read, feel, and share.

-I believe things about heaven in theory, but to be honest, I couldn't picture them. Colton provided a picture that is absolutely believable.
-After Colton's medical ordeal, he didn't fear death and was anxious to visit heaven again (i.e. running in front of cars). One of my favorite lines in the book is from father speaking to Colton "This time I get to go to heaven first. I'm the dad, you're the kid. Parent's go first!"
-Colton was basically a messenger, a tiny tour guide for those on earth and those departing heavenly travelers.
-God's story can reach anyone, anywhere, at any age- even a preschool girl (Akiane, a four year old that is introduced at the end of the book that had a similar heavenly experience). This made me think of that there is no rush or deadline for me to find my faith, and that makes me more of a believer.

You May Live in Iowa

I never repost a status on Facebook; however, a Facebook friend had this as her status. Not only is it super funny, but I completely relate to it. Copied directly from her status and posted here for your midwest enjoyment!

IOWA, according to Jeff Foxworthy: If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Iowa. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Iowa. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Iowa. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may ......live in Iowa. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Iowa. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Iowa. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Iowa. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Iowa. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Iowa. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Iowa. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Iowa. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Iowa. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Iowa. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Iowa. If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Iowa friends and others can see. You definitely do live - or have lived - in Iowa

Learn Something New

I am a fan of the TV show, Bones. It use to have a character on there called Vincent Nigel-Murray. He tended to blurt out trivial facts when under stress as a method of relieving anxiety. Today's post consists of trivial facts from a StumbleUpon find (URL at the end of the post). The facts are in black/bolded font; whereas, my commentary is in red/italicized font.


Hitler received 1,000 letters a month of fan mail.  I wonder if Hitler had a Facebook page: how many friends would he have, how many likes he would get on status updates, and if anyone would have the guts to poke him via Facebook...
The original title for the Beatles song 'Yesterday' was 'Scrambled Eggs' This is one of my favorite Beatle songs, but I definitely had to google the lyrics to see how in the world 'scrambled eggs' could have been the title of the song (I still don't understand). Especially since the most popular way to order eggs is over easy; but then with the song title 'Over Easy' I would think the song was about prostitutes.
Pigeons can't fart. Who needs to fart when you can poop every minute on plethora of inanimate (at times animate) objects.
The greatest height a chicken egg has been dropped without cracking is 700 ft. I bet they were allowed to use more than toothpicks to protect their egg. *I was only allowed to use toothpicks for a 9th grade science experiment, and the egg had to drop 15 feet without cracking.*
The world's oldest lightbulb is still working since 1901.  Whoever took out a warranty on this lightbulb is probably feeling pretty foolish right now.
Wayne Allwine, the voice of Mickey Mouse, was married to Russi Taylor, the voice of Minnie. I bet a refrigerator full of cheese is what kept this marriage together.
If you pee in the shower you can save 1157 gallons of water a year.  There are just some things I am just not willing to do to leave less of a carbon footprint. This would end up leaving more of a pee-footprint that in my opinion leaves a longer lasting negative effect.
A pig's willy is shaped like a corkscrew. However, don't look at this as a substitute to open wine bottles, instead of hearing the "pop" from the bottle, you are going to hear a "squeal".
The longest traffic jam was 110 miles long. I would only last the first 5 miles....maybe.
There are 6700 languages.  Being fluent in only one language seems exponentially insignificant now. 
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2eGLAB/pete.com/view/learn-something-everyday-part-2

Texas and Louisiana Adventure

Last week I was on clinicals in Houston, Texas. Also, during clinicals I explored San Antonio, Texas and Louisiana. I haven't uploaded my pictures yet (but I will soon), but here are some of the things I learned from my trip.

1. The Alamo is so small! I compare the disappointment I felt from seeing the Alamo to the time when I saw the Mona Lisa was about the size of a piece of computer paper.
2. Alligators hiss. I went on a swamp tour on Lake Martin in Louisiana and I got to be about 3 feet from an alligator. And apparently when your crazy Cajun tour guide pokes an mama alligator with an oar she's gonna hiss and show her 80 sharp, skin-ripping teeth to you.
3. That it is really easy to gain weight from eating in Texas. I mean they say "everything is bigger in Texas" for a reason; that includes the portions.
4. That 68 degrees is considered cold this time of year in Texas. And walking around in T-shirts will earn you stares from Texans, because they are in wool coats and scarves when it is 68 degrees.
5. If Houston, Texas gets one inch snow then the entire city shuts down. Man I wish this would happen in the midwest; because I think I would have experienced like 100 snow days while in college.
6. Since I am going into the healthcare profession, I need to learn spanish as a second language and be super fluent in it. There is only so much one can communicate with one-word answers, pointing to things, and over-exaggerated hand gestures.
7. Fried Oreos may sound disgusting but they are soooo good! And I hate endorsing anything that Kim Kardashian enjoys but they are so worth it. (FYI: I became aware of fried oreos because Kim went on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and introduced them about a year ago).
8. Texas is the only the state where I have seen the state flag 100x's more than the American flag. And at times the Texas flag was bigger and higher than the American flag.
9. Football isn't a game; it is a way of life. You need to decide pretty quickly if you are pro or con Longhorns, because after the question "what's your name?" then "are you a Longhorn fan" is going to be the next question. And hopefully, you will answer correctly in that person's eyes.
10. I had a patient say "He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch." Which apparently means, not the most handsome of men. Prepare yourself for other Texas Figgers of Speech and the famous southern drawl.

Texas Road Trip Quotes

On Friday I made the journey from Omaha to San Antonio with one of my best friends. We did not stay at a hotel; therefore, we kept driving all night and took turns driving. Even though we were exhausted most of the road trip, we still found plenty of things to make us laugh. Since this is my blog, it is only fair that I pick on the amusing things my friend said during our trip so far. Of course, some of these quotes you may just had to be there, but I found them hilarious at my friend's expense. In this post, my friend's name is "Sue".

-When we were leaving Sue's house, she was reversing out of her driveway and honking her car horn continuously. I then inquired what's with all the honking. Sue replied that she was letting the outdoor cats know that she was backing out of the driveway. She was just warning them.

-As we were leaving Sue's hometown (which can be classified as small town Nebraska); we passed by the Wal-mart. She pointed out the Wal-Mart and said that it was the place she hung out with her friends during high school. They would sit in the lawn chairs in the garden center and just hang out on the weekends.

-During the road trip, we were contemplating when and where we should pull off to take a nap. We were discussing what we considered "safe" and "unsafe" rest stops; Sue commented that she doesn't see anything wrong with parking in a mall's parking lot and taking a nap. And then she continued to state that she has pulled over into a mall on her way back from school (which is approximately a 20 minute commute) because she was just too tired to continue driving, and took a nap.

-(Driving in Texas) Sue: "Shaida, what is that on the side of the road?"  Shaida: "A dog. What did you think it was?"  Sue: "I dunno, a weird Texan Animal, like a dingo." FYI Dingoes are from Australia and Not Texas.

-A billboard sign says "Real Austin, Real News." Sue thought it said "Real Autism, Real News."

-Sitting down to dinner in San Antonio, Sue says, "I am so tired and exhausted. I cannot imagine how exhausted ducks get when they migrate from Canada." Yes ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to Canadian ducks, not geese :)

The trip hasn't finished yet, but I am so lucky to have a friend that I can laugh at the mistakes she says and do, and also a friend that will forgive me for the mistakes I commit. As Elbert Hubbard stated, "A best friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway." This trip wouldn't be as memorable or amusing without my partner in crime, “Sue”.

First Snowfall of the Season

Today it snowed for the first time. Once the novelty of the first snowfall wore off (which was 5 minutes later), I returned to a snow Scrooge. Everyone probably remembers around the time they stop believing in Santa Claus. I stopped believing in snow November 2005. What is significant about that day? It is when there was 2 feet of snow that fell and I still had to attend college classes. Therefore, I realized my love for snow was rooted in the possibility that classes would be cancelled. It would be four years later until I had a snow day again (in graduate school), but I still hate snow. I hate snow for several reasons.

• The white dry snow on the bottom of jeans; it makes rewearing the same pair of jeans very difficult without washing first-or so I have heard....
• The impending doom that I am going to fall or slide ungracefully on the ice.
• It is a 100 times harder to leave the house when it is snowing, I think I was a bear in a past life; because all I want to do when it snows (or snow is on the ground) is hibernate.
• Roads become treacherous, and I actually start going the speed limit.
• I can't answer my touch phone because I am wearing gloves. And yes I have tried answering my phone with my nose, and the results are inconsistent.
• Car gets covered in a parking lot and then I can't find it and then I am the idiot that has to use their car alarm.
• Snow is only pretty and white for the first 5 minutes and then it becomes dirty and ugly.
• Depending on snowplows to plow the streets. 
• Getting plowed into a parking spot and then having to spend 1-2 hours digging myself out.
• Delays in the airport.
• Interstates closed.
• Going through gas quicker because I have to start warming up my car (especially when there is ice on the windows).
• Shivering in my car until it warms up.
• Going to school when it is dark and leaving school when it is dark. It's like the sun takes a 3+ months vacation.
• When it snows (or is below zero for a while) I disbelieve in global warming; however, when it gets warmer again, I believe in it again.
• The added expenses (heating bill, gas).
• And the overall cold feeling and not being able to get warm. 

I think this URL truly represents my feelings towards snow as an adult. Happy future Snow Day to all you lucky kids who still get snow days!  http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2U9LOz/www.collegehumor.com/article/6428297/snow-days-then-and-now

Warning labels

In our lawsuit-obsessed society and the increase number of stupid people, product manufacturers are writing warning labels on just about anything and everything. From medication labels to electronic devices, consumers are having to weigh the ramifications and benefits for using items. However, once in a while, these warning labels not only inform but also entertain. Here are some examples of REAL warning labels on products; my commentary is in red.

1.  Child-size Batman costume comes with the warning label: "Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly." Additional warning: If you buy this garment thinking you are going to fly then you are unworthy of the costume, because you do not know your superheroes; Batman doesn't fly, Superman does...DUH!
2. A clothes iron comes with this caution: "Warning: Never iron clothes on the body." If one feels the need to get wrinkles out of clothes while wearing them, you can always use a straightener; but then of course you will need to use an iron on your hair, because it's only fair.
3. The instructions for a medical thermometer advise: "Do not use orally after using rectally." The origin of the phrase, "You don't know where that has been." I would definitely advise asking this question the next time a nurse wants to take your temperature; she will definitely appreciate the proactive approach you take to hygiene and your health...trust me!
4. The box of a 500-piece puzzle reads: "Some assembly required." Contact a neurologist STAT, some brain assembly is required, definitely some screws loose.  If there wasn't any assembly necessary it wouldn't be a puzzle; it would be a picture. 
5. A box of PMS relief tablets has this advice: "Warning: Do not use if you have prostate problem." I see a future lawsuit for this product. The exception to the rule would be hermaphrodites. Dear hermaphrodite that receives loads of money from a lawsuit, my name is Shaida and I wouldn't mind a trip to Greece.
6. Cans of Easy Cheese contain this instruction. "For best results, remove cap." Survival of the fittest 101. Individuals that need this instruction are the individuals I want to see on the TV show, Survivor.
7. A warning label on a nighttime sleep-aid reads: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."It's daytime, so that means the nighttime warning doesn't apply, and you can take double the dose.
8. Cans of self-defense pepper spray caution: "May irritate eyes." Addendum should be: May irritate eyes and cause grown men to cry for their mommies. 

Warning labels were from the following website: http://www.stumbleupon.com/to/s/1wAIUF