True Facts

There are times in life when you hear something so odd that it is difficult to believe that it is true. Here is a list of interesting TRUE facts. The facts are in black, and my commentary is in red.

-One out of ten children in Europe are conceived on an IKEA bed.

I hope this isn't going to be the premise of a new advertisement campaign, even if this does make IKEA   more family-friendly.

-Antarctic is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.

If you can guarantee that there are zero children there, guess who's booking a one-way ticket to have the same zip code as Santa Claus...me!

-The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Did all the 12 year old boys have detention that day for Conclave?

-Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

Why would they need popcorn? It's not like they were watching a movie.

-A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.

Need to bury a body, no need for a shovel, call a mole.

-Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

Great another reason for me to avoid children, because of all them eating their peanut butter and jelly sandwich are just a ticking time bomb.

-A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.

I am going to need to see a demonstration before I believe this, oh and I get to choose the child to volunteer.

-Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

I bet it was a woman eating lean cuisine meals that came up with the self-adhesive stamp.

-Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.

This makes me think of a bunch of ants waking up in the morning and doing yoga and pilates before they carry away crumbs from your picnic.

-Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.

I am getting a premonition...I see the next organism that will be extinct is the ribbon worm. Cause of extinction will be stupidity and no self control with appetite. 

-Slugs have 4 noses.

I think they would have preferred four legs; therefore, it didn't take them a thousand years to move an inch.

-Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.

I think God/Mother Nature has a great sense of humor, since owls are nocturnal they never see anything but darkness.

Pet Costumes

I promise this is my last post that deals with pets (for a while anyways). This was part of a forward I received and thought I would share it! I hope you get a good chuckle out of the costumes and the facial expressions on the animals. The title of the website is 13 Hilarious Dog Costumes...
http://www.oddballdaily.com/2011/05/02/13-hilarious-dog-costumes/

P.S. Alligator Attack is my favorite one!

Pet Humor

One of my favorite humorous authors is Chelsea Handler. In her most recent book, Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me, her dog, Chunk wrote a chapter from his perspective about Chelsea. This chapter was one of the funniest in the book. Therefore, after receiving a forward with pictures of animals (dogs and cats) in costumes, it made me wonder, what is "man's best friend" truly thinking on a daily basis. Thankfully, the internet has a website for just about anything. Here are some of my favorite.


Rules for Dog Owners, Suggested By Their Dogs

1. I will not confuse my dog by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
2. I will not ask my dog to play fetch with a boomerang.
3. I will not drag my dog away from the interesting sniffing spots.
4. I will not tell my dog to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of his business.
5. I will not stare while my dog is doing his business.
6. I will not feed the cat before I feed my dog.
7. I will get rid of that cat.
8. I will not bring home any more cats.
9. I will never eat until my dog has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
10. I will allow my dog on the couch
11. I will protect my dog from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
12. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
13. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my dog is a good watchdog.
14. I will not abandon my dog for trivial reasons like "going to work".
15. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my dog was sleeping "illegally".
16. I will not make my dog wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
17. I will not make my dog pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
18. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my dog.

Cat Jokes

Q: What do cats like on their hot dogs?

A: Mouse-tard

Q: What do cats like to eat for breakfast?

A: Mice Krispies

Q:What has more lives than a cat?

A: A frog. It croaks every night.

Q: What kind of cats like to go bowling?

A: Alley cats.

Q: What's happening when you hear "woof..splat..meow...splat?"

A: It's raining cats and dogs.

Here's the website if you crave some more pet humor! http://www.i-pets.com/hjokes.html

'Tis the Season for Dressed Up Pets

We have all witnessed it....a little dog being walked with shoes on it's tiny little paws, or a  dog in a kilt and a miniature Argyll sweater (and it is not even Scottish).  Observing this can cause a roller coaster of reactions and emotions in a spectator-sympathy, pity, happiness, envy,  joy, amusement, etc. If you are one of those individuals that hate to see pets that have been dressed up by their owner, then I advise you to stay in your houses this weekend. This weekend there will be animals on the street that are not just in clothes but in COSTUMES. I am one of those individuals that believe that if the animal is not being harmed physically, then it is okay for them to wear a costume; who knows, it could keep them warm this Halloween season. You may have noticed that I did not indicate that the pet will not be emotionally harmed in the process of wearing a costume. We all know there is emotional damage when you have to wear something you don't want to; we all have had to wear a knitted sweater a grandma or distant relative have given to us for Christmas or a birthday, and I am sure your mother has the picture to prove it.

On a Jimmy Kimmel Live episode, he showed a Public Service Announcement (PSA) of an Animal Rights group against dressing up animals and it is funny. Here is the URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=IZWLJ55D8y8

The Weather

I love how experts can predict the end of the world, but yet no one can predict the weather for tomorrow. Forget about the atrocious odds of winning the lottery, dressing correctly for the weather is even worse. In the Midwest, individuals always state that if you don't like the weather, just wait 5 minutes and it will change. When I was in undergrad, I left college to come home for vacation. I left 3 feet of snow in Iowa and drove 5 hours south to my parent's house (in Missouri). And those 5 hours made me seem like I was traveling to the equator. I arrived home to find my mother mowing the grass...crazy Midwest weather! However I cannot just pick on the Midwest. I lived in Utah for the summer, and the weather was just as stubborn. One moment the sun would be shining so brightly, and then you run into the gas station, and it would be pouring down rain when you came outside. I envision Mother Nature waking up every morning with a twisted sense of humor and us earthlings are the punch line. It is now a general rule that the first and last person I am usually upset with in the day is the meteorologist.

Weather seems to have become an icebreaker for causal conversations more and more in today's society (and topics for blogs). People may feel like when they run out of things to talk about (also know as a conversation crisis) that they can always talk about the weather. Additionally, in a strongly opinionated country (e.g. United States), talking about the weather can be a neutral topic of conversation.

However, if you look hard enough, one can eventually find humor in the ever-changing weather. Although these moments are rare for me, I definitely cherish them when I find them. Hopefully, these pictures from my trip from Canada will put a smile on your face no matter if you are experiencing sunshine, rain, snow or hail today.

A t-shirt

A wall picture

Weatherstone located in The Forks Market, Winnipeg, Canada

Naughty Bears

We all have a childhood bear that we adored. We sympathized with Winnie the Pooh on his quest for finding and eating honey. We cheered on Yogi Bear on stealing a yummy picnic basket. We adored reading about the Berenstain Bears and how Brother Bear and Sister Bear got into and out of trouble. We all have wondered “What would we do for a Klondike bar” which is asked by a polar bear mascot. As children, we were drilled "That only YOU can prevent forest fires" by Smokey the Bear. Additional bears that one may have encountered in their life are Po (Kung Fu Panda), Snuggle (the fabric softener bear), Paddington Bear, and of course enjoyed the delicious gummy bears.

During Christmas break, Coco-Cola campaigns for their product by using animated Polar Bears. I hope this is not what the Coco-Cola bears do after filming a commercial………

These are pictures I took at the store, Urban Outfitters

I don't think this is the positive influence creators of our beloved fictitious bears had in mind, but it is still funny (at least to me). I just wish I knew a person I could give these salt and pepper shakers to as a gift, and who would appreciate it.

Unique & humorous products for SALE

I decided to take a road trip to Winnipeg, Canada. On the way to Canada I stopped at the Mall of America in Minnesota. Initially, I was on a mission to find some scarves for the windy and cold weather we have been experiencing in the Midwest. However, as any savy shopper can verify, window shopping is dangerous. I came across this store called The Afternoon, and my mission was momentarily delayed, and I spent two hours in this amazing store (which also had scarves). This store is a compilation on unique gifts and artwork. I honestly think this store has something (for me, it has somethings) for everyone. However, there were a few items that really were unique and funny; therefore, I caught them on camera and uploaded them here with product description and my reaction to the product for your enjoyment. The Afternoon is a rare store with only three locations, Mall of America and then two stores in Omaha. Don't live in these areas....then visit them online and order something for yourself or someone else.  http://www.theafternoon.com/

Product: iHOP and iCUSHION stand

Description:These products are used as a seat for your iPod and iPhone

My Reaction: Wow, not only are people less physically active, but even our electronics are  more sedentary now

Product: Design Ideas computer keys magnets

Description: Magnets in the shape of computer keys with a variety of sayings (ANY, ?#@!, ABORT, SNOOZE, HIDE, Boss Alert, $$$, Make Coffee, UNDO) that deal with the frustrations of a computer user. 

My Reaction: If only there was a "Do Homework" or  "Return to PowerPoint presentation, the professor is coming" key

Product: Useless Info notepad
Description: Used to generate useless info information that is imperative to remember
My Reaction: I am going to need a bigger notepad; all my information is useless

Product: Book
Description: A compilation of quotes: words of wisdom from people who have lived
My Reaction: I am thinking this book's author is the Stinky Cheese Man 

Product: Mighty Wallet
Description: A wallet that is made from a single sheet of a strong micro fiber material that is water resistant, super strong and incredibly long lasting. This wallet has no stitching.
My Reaction: Dynomighty (company behind this product) needs to come up Mighty Purses, because then women can literally take their purses anywhere. Want to take your purse scuba diving...go ahead, just make sure it doesn't clash with Ariel's (The Little Mermaid) purse.

Product: Cassette tape measure
Description: Tape measure shaped like a retro audio cassette tape
My Reaction: Will be a pain in the butt to rewind, fast-forward, or pause, I rather have a CD tape measure

Product: Cupcake Bath Bomb

Description: Moisturizes your skin, smells delightful, adds bubbles, all while soaking up natural salts in the bath. Directions that are on the product:Remove wrapper, drop in bathtub under running water for the ultimate sweet skin treat! May cause SLIPPERY TUB! DO NOT EAT

My Reaction: I am cutting calories out of my meals, so the last thing I want to do is add calories to my bath

Product: Decorative Wine Corks

Description: Wine corks with various sayings: wine tastes better with friends, liquid happiness, cheap wine expensive cork, I go well with friends

My Reaction: This is a useless gift for me. I have never used a wine cork before because it was never needed, is that a bad thing...do I have a problem? 

Product: Book called Jiggle Shots
Description: Contains 75 recipes on gelatin shots, such as, Purple People Eaters, and Apple Mini-tinis
My Reaction: For some reason a book called Jello Shots just doesn't have the same whimsical ring to it

Product: Band-Aids

Description: Band-Aids for that person in your life that whines about anything and everything. The Band-Aids have sayings on them, such as, "panda hug," "kitty scratch," and "emotional wound."

My Reaction: I want my Band-Aids to say "A child just touched me," "please just let me hibernate," "I'm tired of listening to you, do you have a mute button?" "no I don't want to do that; I'll just read about it in a book," "I really enjoy four seasons, but I really wish snow would only fall on my command."

Product: Green Eggs and Ham Cookbook
Description: Recipes from Dr. Seuss books, such as,  Cat in the Hat Pudding,  Moose Juice and Green Eggs and Ham
My Reaction: Using story time as a time to brainwash kids that green foods, brussel sprouts, cabbage, and broccoli really do taste good because look at your favorite character in the book enjoys them. 

Book Review-How We Decide

We are all aware of the game show, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth grader; well there should be a game show called, Are You Smarter Than a Quarterback. Not only am I not smarter than a fifth grader on a regular basis, but after reading this book I took the Wonderlic intelligence test (test players on their decision making skills on math and logic problems), it was blatantly determined that I am not smart enough to be a quarterback, and I definitely do not have the skills (which I already knew). This book takes everyday scenarios that the normal individual takes for granted and exploits the problems that can arise in the brain, because we do not realize how much the interworking on our brains impacts our actions and behaviors. Here are some of my favorite exerts/topics from the book with my commentary.

• Who would of thought that a 4-year olds ability to wait to eat a marshmallow would predict how that child would act in high school and their chances of developing ADHD. I bet you will never look at a bag of marshmallows the same ever again.
• Mirror neurons. And no these small cluster of cells do not spend all day asking “mirror mirror on the wall, who are the fairest cells of all.” But rather these cells are found in autistic individuals.
• I will never leave home without my prefrontal cortex, and you shouldn’t either. After reading this book, I want to wear a helmet 24/7 in order to protect my prefrontal cortex; because damage to this region of the brain makes for entertaining and thought provoking stories for readers, but for the person having to live with a damaged prefrontal cortex, they have nothing but my deepest sympathies.
• My skin was crawling while I read the John Wayne Gacy chapter. He was a serial killer and rapist who assaulted and murdered approximately 40 teenager boys. This chapter of the book focused on psychopaths and how their brains work. Psychopaths can beat lie detectors. Note to self: Never play poker with a psychopath because I wouldn’t be able to tell when he/she is bluffing, especially since I lie detector cannot tell when they are bluffing. The book indicates that neuroscientists are beginning to identify the specific deficits that define the psychopathic brain. 
• There are more slot machines in the United States than ATM machines
• The average household owes more than $9000 in credit card debt, and the average number of credit cards per person is 8.5. This definitely makes me feel responsible-I have $0 in credit card debt and I only possess 2 credit cards. Although, when I was in undergrad, I had a total of 10 credit cards at one time. I had 3 main cards, and then the other 7 were from department stores (e.g. Victoria Secret and The Buckle). Not that I am justifying my decisions to possess that many credit cards, but it is nice to know that I wasn’t alone. Teenagers are becoming increasingly powerful consumers. I would be in a department store, for example The Buckle, and I would be ready to pay and the cashier would ask, “If you apply for our credit card today you can save 10% on your total purchase.” When I go shopping, I have the mindset that I don’t spend money, but rather I save money. Therefore, when the cashier mentions this deal I just hear “CHA-CHING” in my head. However, the dark secret this Buckle credit card is keeping is that it charges 24% interest; now my mind is going  “WAH WAH.” Additionally, if the personal debt isn’t a scary story amongst itself; in 2006, consumers spent more than 17 billion dollars in penalty fees alone for credit cards…MIND=BLOWN!

You definitely need to read this book! I learned something new on every page. The author packs so much information in this book, some may think that it would be a textbook, and no one wants to read a textbook. However, Jonah Lehrer makes neuroscience intriguing and entertaining...for once learning is FUN!

Muck Fizzou

I grew up in a Missouri's Tiger household, and this was most apparent when we moved to Iowa. My mother refused to be affiliated with anything Hawkeye related, and she had a mental restraining order against anything dealing with the Hawkeyes; nothing within 100 feet of our house. My mother is thankfully back in Missouri, so I don't have to worry about her yelling "Hawkeyes suck" at the top of her lungs. Hawkeyes vs. Tigers- two teams with the same colors (black and gold); but apparently a HUGE difference in the eyes of my mother-whom has NEVER watched a single football game in her life. Loyalty for her homestate (she was born in Sedalia, MO) runs deep, even dealing with things she couldn't explain if her life depended on it.

This weekend was Mizzou's 100th homecoming game in Columbia, MO, and they won against Iowa's Cyclones; which made my mom elated. However, I realize that not everyone likes Mizzou (or football for that manner). Therefore, I will share some amusing jokes with you. If you are a die-hard Mizzou fan I would suggest you stop reading now......

I SAID STOP READING!


Q: Why did Rihanna briefly consider attending Mizzou?
A: They don't beat anyone.

Q:Why does Mizzou have paw print on their uniforms?
A: They are used to getting stepped on.

Q: What's the difference between yogurt and Columbia, Missouri?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.

Craving some more Missouri and Mizzou dissing? Then check out this site: http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=2200204458&topic=2340

Betty White rapping

I am enjoying my time in Missouri with my family for the weekend; however, I wanted to share this video of Betty White rapping. Enjoy!!!
http://music-mix.ew.com/2011/10/13/betty-white-raps-in-luciana-music-video/#more-38069

The odoriferous banana with protein

I absolutely detest bananas, and especially abhor the smell of a banana. I think burnt human hair, boiled cabbage, rotting cadavers, and Amorphophallus titanum (aka the Corpse Flower) smell absolutely horrendous; however, the smell of bananas is almost as foul smelling in my opinion. Today a friend (that taunts me with bananas on a daily basis) was eating a banana in class, and I gave her my familiar "you are eating a banana'" death glare, and she responded, "I am sorry, but I need my protein." Yes she responded PROTEIN, not potassium. So obviously, the food pyramid has it all wrong. It look like the banana was adopted by the fruit family; however, its biological parents are the meat family. So to all you muscle builders out there, forget the steroids, just eat a bucket of bananas; they are just chockfull of protein. That must be why monkeys have such a huge appetite for bananas; they are wanting to be as muscular and ripped as King Kong. 

For all you banana enthusiasts here are some banana jokes that you can substitute in your day instead of eating a banana, or better yet eat an apple. Rumor has it that apples are chockfull of calcium, whole grains, and protein, so bon appetit!!!

Q: Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?

A: Because they peel.

Q: Why are bananas never lonely?

A: Because they hang around in bunches.

Q: Why do bananas' do so well on the dating scene?

A: Because they have Appeal.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?

A: Because he couldn't find a date.

Wadded Paper for Sale

Before computers came into our lives, we used paper and a writing instrument to write our thoughts down. Sometimes, instead of erasing a sentence (especially if it was at the beginning of the paper) I would just wad it up and try to shoot it into the trash can. Therefore, with the evolution of the internet and it's domination over the world, it would make complete sense that paper would become vestigial, like the human appendix. However, NOW with the invention of the internet, a person can now become abundantly wealthy almost instantly by jumping on the wadded paper money train. I am seriously contemplating financing the rest of my college tuition with wadded paper. Forget the gold rushes of the 1890s, it is now the wadded paper rush of 2011. I wish I was kidding, but there is an actual website that sells wadded paper. But instead of just appealing to "tree haters" the sellers gave the wadded paper originality by adding a poem. But not just any poem, a haiku; therefore, now they can expand their buyers and appeal to japanese art collectors. These sellers are geniuses and probably even Mark Zuckerberg is pinching himself for missing out on such a money making opportunity! Because I am definitely kicking myself in the rear-end for throwing away perfectly good wadded up paper for years, because I could have been a millionaire by now!

Make sure you read the Frequently Asked Questions on the webpage to make sure you soak up the complete absurdity and amusement of this webpage! http://www.origamiboulder.com/

My iPad experience

Yesterday I purchased my iPad, and I am already in LOVE with it. I imagine this feeling I am experiencing is what a mother feels when she has her firstborn-and yes, I just compared a newborn to an innovated technology device. Even though I am amusing myself with all the Apps on the iPad, it was my experience at the Apple Store that amused me the most. WARNING: This story may only be funny to me; it might be one of those stories where you just had to be there. DISCLAIMER: For those that don't know me, I am not a fan of children, except the ones I am related to. However, I am not immune to laughing out loud to the ridiculous and funny things that children say and do. So I have just walked into the Apple store and one of the employees was helping me make my decision on which iPad to get (and yes picking the color-black or white- was the hardest decision aspect). When all of a sudden this child (approximately 6-8 years old), is running after his mom, yelling "Mommy! Mommy! I want an Ipet! Mommy, buy me an Ipet!" Which was really funny to me, but the mother looked really annoyed by her child; and I joined being annoyed after the child repeated this for the tenth time. I have this general outlook in life that if you cannot pronounce an item/thing correctly, maybe you shouldn't have nor need it for one reason or another....for instance, I cannot pronounce pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, even if my life depended on it. Therefore, I probably don't need it and I especially do not want it (for those that are curious pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is a type of lung disease).

Even though I am borderline obsessed with almost any apple product, I have become obsessed with theoatmeal.com ; it has become my newest resource for procrastination. Therefore, the ultimate procrastination experience for me would be reading articles on theoatmeal.com on my iPad.

Here's an article on the website that meets all my requirements of the ultimate procrastination experience: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/apple

The Oatmeal-misspellings

Some of my friends have informed me recently that I am a terrible speller. This was a shocker to me because I considered myself a great speller (and I have the fourth grade spelling tests to prove it). However, once it was brought to my attention, I began noticing misspellings in Facebook statuses and emails (and there are probably a few on my blog website). However, I have concluded that 99% (maybe I am exaggerating a touch) of these misspellings are due to auto-correct features on my phone. However, I stumbled upon this website via a Facebook posting and it made me feel loads better, and of course it made me laugh! I hope you enjoy it as well!
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling

The Onion

This post, "California to Allow Prisoners to Serve Sentences Online" by The Onion: America's Finest News Source is funny and believable due to the very virtual world we are currently living in. http://www.theonion.com/articles/california-to-allow-prisoners-to-serve-sentences-o,26173/

Locks of Love

I have recently (back in August) cut my hair and donated it to a non-profit charity called Locks of Love. This organization accepts donations of human hair to make wigs for needy children who have lost their own hair due to a medical condition. Donating my hair was one of my things on my bucket list. I have come to the conclusion that shorter hair is higher maintenance than longer hair; I miss the simplicity of being able to put my hair back in a ponytail without a dozen clips. Even though I have had to adjust my hair routine, I do not regret my decision, and if you are interested in Locks of Love you can visit their website for more information http://locksoflove.org/

Before

After

Some of my adventures.....

In Rome, Italy

At Mount Rushmore

Snake Falls

At the Statue of Liberty

Riding in a hot air balloon in Nebraska

Riding in a hot air balloon in Nebraska

In Seattle, Washington in front of the Space Needle

In Seattle, Washington

In Seattle, Washington

Seattle Skyline

Attending Lady Gaga concert

Enjoying a Philly cheesesteak at Genos in Philadelphia

In front of the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia

In front of Bridal Veil Falls, Utah

Location of the 2002 Olympics, Utah

Riding in a hot air balloon in Park City, Utah

Temple Square, Salt Lake City, Utah

Enjoying 4th of July weekend in Las Vegas

Red Rocks, Colorado

Attending my first Huskers game