Monday, December 19, 2011

Items for Sale

I love going to stores that offer unique gifts, especially around the holidays because my family is definitely "special" and has a twisted sense of humor. A store that is consistently stock with unique inventory is The Afternoon Store. It has three locations in the United States, two in Omaha and one at the Mall of America. This was my first time in the store during the Christmas holiday, and I honestly believe that this store has something for everyone. Below are some of my favorite items in the store. Even though the items themselves are humorous, my commentary is in red. 

Product: "How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack."
Description: A book with a comprehensive survival guide that will help you prepare for a gnome attack.
My Reaction: I am expecting to see a remake of the Nickelodeon cartoon show, David the Gnome, with a new Garden Ax Massacre plot.
Product: Honest Boy Pencil Sharpener
Description: Pinocchio pencil sharpener whose "nose" gets smaller the more a pencil is sharpened.
My Reaction: Looks like Pinocchio doesn't require plastic surgery for his rhinoplasty. 
Product: Kiss Me Frog Shaped Chocolates
Description: 2 Milk and 1 Caramel Chocolate Truffles
My Reaction: Now I am not a chocolate fan, but last I checked, you were suppose to eat chocolate not kiss it.
Product: Talking Bag Clip
Description: When opening bag clip, it will make a sound "Oink"
My Reaction: A less than subtle reminder that you shouldn't be eating those chips.
Product: Messenger Bag
Description: Messenger Bag with the saying "I like big mutts and I cannot lie" on it
My Reaction: Let me be the first one to introduce you to the collaborative song by Sir Mix A Lot and the Baja Men (one hit wonder with the song "who let the dogs out")
Product: Book
Description: Worst Ideas Ever book: A Celebration of Embarrassment
My Reaction: I think this book has a typo in the author names, this book was written by former President George W. Bush
Product: Coasters
Description: Snarky coasters with some of the following sayings: "When in doubt, Mumble" "For a good time (call someone else)" "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you." "So when's the wizard going to get back to you about that brain?"
My Reaction: I think I am going to start handing these out as "words of wisdom." Think of them as a fortune without the cookie.
Product: Napkins
Description: Napkins with a cartoon on it that says "Never, ever, think outside the box."
My Reaction: I am sure Jack In the Box would love even the option to be able to think outside of a box.
Product: Napkins
Description: Napkins with a snail being compared to a tape dispenser with the saying " I don't care if she is a tape dispenser. I love her."
My Reaction: I wonder if an alligator feels the same way about a stapler.

Product: Book
Description: Drawings that are drawn by drunk people, hence the title Don't Drink and Draw
My Reaction: I wonder what is the punishment for first time offense? Finger painting with children for community service hours?
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Friday, December 16, 2011

Book Review: The Snark Handbook

Do you have what it takes to be snarky? I hope so, because I am so ready for a verbal sparring after this book. And I am seriously contemplating renaming my blog to Snarky Midwest Girl (I know I am so humble). The creation of the word "snark" has been postulated to originate from the words "snide" and "remark" being combined to create conversation that contains both hilarity and satire. When you think of snarky people, who comes to mind? Your best friend? TV shows? Movies? Literature? Bloggers?? hint hint :)  I recommend this book as one that you purchased and keep on your bookcase or elibrary, and not one you just borrow from the library. Best 168 page investment a person can make! However, there is a disclaimer before implementing any snark. Disclaimer: Snark is usually best when it's done in the company of others, implemented at an idiot's expense, and remember there is a time and place for snarks (so don't sue me if you get a black eye). So, you may be wondering, "Shaida, how do I become snarky?" Well if you have to ask then you may not have the gift, because snark is usually innate. But here is a 4 step program on  how-to-be-snarky!

Snark 101
1. Be direct. Critically direct.
2. Timing.
3. It's all personal.
4. Be Negative

Okay are you ready for a snark war yet? If not, I am going to share some of my favorite snarky quotes from the book to build your confidence up so my snark victory tastes that much snarkier!

  • Don't hate yourself in the morning---sleep until noon.
  • A friend is someone you can call to help you move. A best friend is someone you can call to help you move a body.
  • Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
  • I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. -Brian Kiley
  • Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -Sam Levenson
  • My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.-Rita Rudner
  • I might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
  • The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job. -Slappy White
  • I'm so poor I can't even pay attention. -Ron Kittle
  • My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. -Benjamin Disraeli
  • Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.
  • I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. -Tommy Cooper
  • I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
  • Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
  • I'm still an atheist, thank God.
  • Don't thank me for insulting you; it was a pleasure.
Pickup Snark
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Women: Do not enter.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Women: sorry, there are no services today.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Women: I like it just the way it is, with N and O together.

5....4.....3.....2.......1 LET THE SNARKING BEGIN!
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Sunday, December 11, 2011

Final Days

We all have been there. Studying for finals and looking for the perfect way to NOT STUDY! We all have our own personal approach and methods to procrastination for this horrific time of year. Whether it's Facebook stalking or tweeting about how much studying you need to do, sometimes you need something that involves more time-extensive procrastinating. The newest trend is http://pinterest.com/. I saw a Facebook status that stated "Facebook is the new MySpace, and PinInterest is the new Facebook." Call me old fashion, but my preferred method of procrastinating is http://www.stumbleupon.com/.  My procrastination experience wouldn't be complete without creating a new post for my blog. StumbleUpon, PinInterest, Facebook, and Twitter all have apps for the iPad; therefore, now I can procrastinate on my phone, computer and iPad. Life just cannot make it easier to procrastinate.  

Here is some Finals Humor to get you through your finals week and weekend!



  • Studying is joined by two words: students and dying= stu+dying=studying
  • Urban dictionary's definition
    • Finals Week
      • The worst week of a college or high school students life. Finals week involves pulling an all nighter to reverse the months of slacking that have killed their grades. Final week involves a lot of stress and very little sleep, the college or high school student will be on edge the entire time, thus it is not a good time to screw with them by playing practical jokes or something you might find funny.
      • The one week on college campuses where people stop buying weed an everyone buys Adderall.
      • A dormant superhuman power laying in young adults that come out two-three times a year in times of great desperation.
    • Finals
      • Test designed by teachers to lower self esteem; also takes up precious hours of free time from students; has a tendency to lower grades *derived from the word final meaning your final days of freedom if your parents find out you the failed the test.


Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,
The students were praying for last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.
In my own apartmnt, I had been pacing,
And dreaded exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,
And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee, and brewed a new pot.
No longer caring that my nerves were all shot.
I stared at my notes, but my thoughts they were muddy,
My eyes went a blur, I just couldn't study.
"Some Pizza might help," I said with a shiver,
But each place I called refused to delivered.
I'd nearly concluded that life was too cruel,
With futures depending on grades had in school.
When all of a suden our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless, her manner was mellow,
She wore a white toga, and started to bellow:
"What kind of student would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers what they tossed at us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On last year's exams!
On Wingit and Slingit, and last minute crams!"
Her message delivered, she vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing outside in the night.
"Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best.
Happy finals to all, and to alll, a good test!"
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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

BEST YouTube Videos of the Year

We all have done it: Got onto YouTube to watch ONE video, and then magically, two hours have passed by without you even realizing it. Here is a collection of some funny and AMAZING videos! Don't let two hours pass you by :)

I didn't watch X Factor but I stumbled upon this video and absolutely loved it! Skip ahead to 2:30
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Monday, December 5, 2011

Books With Kamikaze Tendencies

Don't let your next book be a statistic, unless, you throw it at a Jersey Shore cast member; sometimes a book has to sacrifice itself kamikaze style for the greater good of the world!
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Surviving Holiday Shopping

So recently I have become addicted to the magazine, Real Simple, it really is a magazine that makes my life simpler (you gotta love those literal meanings), and at the low price of only $4.99 a month. What a bargain, right? Well in the November 2011 issue it has a article titled, "Your guide to getting your shopping done in day" that I thought it was pertinent to share that list (in green) and of course my commentary (red).

  • 8am 
    • Fuel up
      • Skip a carbohydrate-filled breakfast, but rather have a meal loaded with fiber, protein and healthy fats.
      • Are you telling me that there are people out there that do not need to start their day with fiber...who are these people? 3 year olds? And don't worry editors at Real Simple, I have seen the commercials, you are what you eat. Therefore, I know if I eat a donut, then my butt will instantly become a donut on steroids and I will not be able to walk through doors.
    • Don't dress just for comfort
      • Don't wear sweats and sneakers because they make you feel insecure.
      • Instead, makes sure you wear your wedding dress (or for us single ladies, a prom dress) with heels. This is the ensemble will totally boost your self-confidence! And your family didn't want you to spend so much money on a dress that you were only going to wear once; you proved them wrong! Plus implementing this choice of apparel will solidify   Guideline #4- head out solo.
    • Download an upbeat playlist
      • "Holiday music makes us nostalgic. We linger in the store and buy more to capture that warm, fuzzy feeling."
      • If I am trying to capture that warm and fuzzy feeling I will just get a stuffed teddy bear. Also nothing says cheery shopping music like some Eminem.
    • Get dibs on discounts
      • Download apps offered by your favorite retailer (latest information on sales) or the ScanLife app (which gives you the best price at a local or online establishment).
      • You want to get the most discount, encourage your friends to do a coupon war for holiday shopping. I am sure all of the cashiers will LOVE you.
    • Head out solo
      • People tend to mimic one another.
      • WHAT? People can feel peer pressured? Fine, I will head out solo but I am totally going to skype my friends during my shopping adventures; how else am I going to get their opinions on the cute shoes for me....I mean for my mom...
  • 9:30am
    • Stop at the bank
      • Leave your credit cards at home.
      • But I cannot unmemorize my credit card number, so this is a moot rule for me. I mean its typical and normal to have your credit card number memorize but yet have to look at your cell phone for you parent's phone number, right?
    • Then hit the mall
      • Go through a side door or the food court entrance to avoid eye appealing displays.
      • Hitting the mall sounds painful. Besides I was taught at a young age you only hit when you are hitting someone back.
    • Buy less expensive stuff first
      • Therefore you brain doesn't lose perspective on what is a good price.
      • Dilemma: what if I am getting a lump of coal for everyone. Each lump of coal is the same price; so where do I start?
  • 1pm
    • Eat lunch
      • Eating carbs will make you want to take a nappy-poo.
      • Don't forget that fiber. Besides you will probably be turned off on eating carbs after seeing fellow mall shoppers with muffin and bagel butts walking around and knocking over stuff all day.
  • 2pm
    • Perk yourself up
      • Treat yourself to something inexpensive in order to stay in a pleasant mood.
      • Child-free mall is a FREE thing to keep me in a pleasant mood. See I am all about saving money.
    • Skip lines
      • You might pick up something on the whim.
      • Therefore, just cut in line. Or flash a fake police or medical badge and say it's an emergency, retail emergency!
    • Steer clear of attractive sales people
      • People tend to trust folks whom they find physically appealing.
      • If only all sales associates were required to dress up as Santa Claus this would be a moot point.
    • Get in, get out
      • Don't listen to the sale pitches; it will make you more likely to buy the item(s).
      • Definitely go into the mall with the same mentality as if you were robbing a bank, "gotta get in and then get out as quickly as possible."
  • 6pm
    • Multitask at dinner
      • Eat dinner at a restaurant that offers gift-card freebies.
      • I multitask at every dinner- I have long-winded conversations and occasionally eat something.
  • 8pm
    • Back at home, search for discount codes
      • Look for websites with free shopping.
      • Wouldn't it be awesome if throughout your home there would be discount codes hidden throughout it...BEST SCAVENGER HUNT EVER!
    • Cash in your rewards
      • Use credit card points to go towards gift cards.
      • Doesn't cash always reap rewards?
    • Buy toys online
      • You don't have peruse ransacked selves.
      • Toy stores tend to the location where children literally multiple, and who needs that type of stress during the holiday season. Plus children are just time-ticking germ bombs, and I don't want to be there when a child explodes, or sneezes on me...yuck!
    • Be a little sneaky
      • Just as you're about to finalize an online purchase, cancel the order." "If you've previously shopped the site, the merchant should have your email address, and you may get a message within minutes touting a discount code."
      • Santa Claus is sneaky, why shouldn't you be?
  • ALL DONE

Or you can just shop online from the beginning in your PJs drinking coffee while avoiding cold weather (scraping your car), crying children, standing in lines, and no exercise necessary (except some finger exercising). Wow, I just came up with a one-step plan on surviving holiday shopping. Sometimes I  scare myself with my genius ideas.
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Saturday, December 3, 2011

11 Things to Know at 25(ish)

There comes a time in life where you try to decide, are you still a kid or an adult? Society and pop culture has a fascination, and at times a fear of growing older. Peter Pan is the mischievous boy who refuses to grow up. Despite yearly milestones, the Simpson family doesn't physically age. Tommy, Chuckie Phil, and Lil never were out of diapers. Returning to reality, we do not have that luxury of these pop culture characters; unless, you include Joan Rivers, who has spend millions of dollars to not look her age (which is 78 years old). So when are we expected to grow up? Well according to RELEVANT Magazine, 25(ish) is the magic number to become an adult. I am 25 years old; therefore, I thought it was time to be an adult. However, in order to complete this rite of passage, there are 11 things to know (with my commentary in red):

  1. You have time to find a job you love.
    • Okay I would like RELEVANT Magazine to write a note to the federal Direct Loan Program that students do not need to start paying back loans until we find our dream job.
  2. Get out of debt and stay out of debt.
    • No worries, I am paying my Visa credit card bill with my Mastercard right now...problem solved.
  3. Don't rush dating and marriage.
    • I think this was written for Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez (3 marriages),  Frank Sinatra (4 marriages), Rita Hayworth (5 marriages), Tony Curtis (6 marriages), Elizabeth Taylor (8 marriages) and the winner is Zsa Zsa Gabor with 9 marriages. I bet Gabor is shooting for an even dozen.
  4. Give your bests to friends and family.
    • I always tell my friends how much they mean to me......on facebook of course by "liking" their photos. After all, a pictures says a thousand words; therefore, every time I like a photo=1000 words.
  5. Get some counseling.
  6. Seek out a mentor.
  7. Be a part of a church.
    • I think the part of the church I want to be is the steeple; I think that is a safe distance away from all the children.
  8. Find a rhythm for spiritual disciplines.
    • Solitude. I hibernate.
  9. Volunteer.
    • I volunteer in my spare time to improving beginning drivers' ability. Whenever, I see a Student Driver car, I think quick, and become a road rage maniac; it makes the teenagers learn quick. I am still wanting for those hundreds of thank you notes.....
  10. Feed yourself and the people you love.
    • Why would I want to give food poisoning to myself and those I love....that's why there is take-out menus drawer.
  11. Don't get stuck.
    • Not a huge worry for me because there isn't a lot of quicksand around the midwest. Although, I will keep an eye out for wet cement...or is it concrete?
If you are interested in reading the actually article here is the URL: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/25956-11-things-to-know-at-25ish
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Thursday, December 1, 2011

FUNNIEST video EVER

The creators of this video are GENIUSES!! They deserve Oscars, Emmys, Tonys, heck even throw in the Grammys. This is the funniest video ever! It's so creative and hilarious! It's a 70 minute video, and no that isn't a typo. However, try and watch just a few minutes (50 minutes will pass by without you even knowing it). It's a bunch of short videos looped together. It kind of reminds me of Candid Camera, but 1000x's funnier. Have you picked up the theme of this video yet? Yep, it's FUNNY!

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