Sunday, March 4, 2012

Screw-It List

Everything in the world has an opposite. Girl-Boy. On-Off. Wet-Dry. Groom-Bride. So what is the word for the opposite of a bucket list? The answer is a Screw-It List. Most people have a list written down or a mental list of things they want to do. But then people also have a list of things they won't do for anyone or any amount of money; those things qualify as things for a Screw-It List. This is my Screw-It List:

1. Wrestle an alligator- I already know how this would end. Me dead.
2. Swim with Sharks- The only way I would do this is if all the sharks were toothless.
3. Backpack through Europe- I do not like to tote things on my back; after all, I'm not a camel.
4. Work in a pediatric unit- Kids and me are like oil and vinegar; we just do not mix, and shouldn't.
5. Testify in court about a crime so I can go into the witness protection program- I am horrible at keeping secrets, plus I would probably end up with a new job as a preschool teacher (See #4 rationale)
6. Get a tattoo- I don't want a stupid doodle on my backside for the rest of my life; plus I am so indecisive I would probably change my mind on my tattoo midway through getting inked.
7. Read War and Peace- No way. Too long. Have started it like 10 different times, and was bored every single times.
8. Have dentist work done without numbing- I get violent when people mess with my teeth. My orthodontist of 4 years can testify to my violent ways.
9. Have a child without an epidural-The next 18 years are going to be painful and full of sacrifices, I would like one more day of happiness. There should be epidural flavored ice cream.
10. Climb Mt. Everest- Super expensive and my likelihood of dying would be 99.99999%. Who am I kidding; my likelihood of dying is 100%.
11. Go to the North Pole- I don't need to confirm if Santa Claus is for real.
12. Buy a pedigree dog that is known for being aggressive-I am aggressive enough for the both of us.
13. To give up coffee permanently- It is for the benefit for all people that I remain caffeinated.
14. Trace my family tree- I have this inkling that I am related to someone I rather NOT know about.
15. Visit a Nude Beach- I've had cadaver labs, that's enough naked bodies of strangers for me for a lifetime
16. Try really exotic food (dog, cat, snake)- Sometimes animals are just meant to be pets and not an entree accompanied by two side dishes and a dessert.
17. Join the arm forces- No one should ever give me a gun. 
18. Go hunting- I don't want to meet my food before I eat it. Plus I would totally pull a "Dick Cheney" hunting accident.
19. Go Ice fishing- I don't have the patience or the tolerance for cold to accomplish this. Plus I would totally cheat and just go to the store and buy some fish on ice.
20. Vote for a person with the last name Bush for President- This is the exception to the rule "third times the charm."
21. Go blonde-I don't care if they do have more fun; just not for me.
22. Be vegan- I know there is a reason I learned in school that humans were classified as omnivores and I would hate to make my third grade teacher a liar.
23. Work at a greenhouse-  Hi my name is Shaida and I kill air plants.
24. Join a circus- Unless my talent can be reading a book or most sarcastic comments in a single hour than I have no marketable skill or talent for the circus.
25. Invest in the stock market- I am a low risk kind of girl when it comes to money. I like to see my investment....hanging in my closet.

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