Redneck Honey Boo Boo

It seems like I am behind having my first encounter with the unforgetable Honey Boo Boo. I have friends that have told me about this show but since I do not have cable and I tend to avoid all reality TV shows, I haven't seen it before....until my visit to my parents house. I was telling my mom (her name is June) that I was going to watch an episode, and her response, "I hate that the mother is named June too." The one episode turned into three.

Here's my reflection on no longer being a Honey Boo Boo virgin:

• I am secretly hoping there's a marathon of the show. The characters are such an ego-booster; I don't think my self-esteem has ever been so high.
• I feel slightly deprived that I did not ever participate in a "Red-neck Slip and Slide" while I was a child; therefore, I want to persuade my 8-year niece to be my accomplience, and then of course pin it all on her when/if we get in trouble.
• Red-neck Slip and Slide: is where a person covers themself in a trashbag and then spread butter all over their body. Then pour oil all over the floor. Then let the slipping and sliding begin.
• I am forever gratiful to my parents that I never ate roadkill.
• On the show they got a phone call early in the morning that a hog was dead on the side of the road. So the family went and got it,  skinned it, and cooked it. Then Honey Boo Boo goes on to describe her "Road Kill Wish List." A porcupine was one of the animals on her wish list because then she could use the spikes as toothpicks. Either Honey Boo Boo is the most resourceful girl in the world or the most frightening...I am leaning towards the latter.
• A person with the nickname Pumpkin, should NOT wear an orange dress to a wedding.
• The invention of Beano has probably kept together as many families as family counseling. This family considers that if a person passes gas 10-15 times a day then they are healthy. Sugar Bear (father) is the master of being healthy.

This show is definitely a guilty pleasure of mine currently, and yes I have never felt smarter. I am hoping to catch a few more episodes before I fly back to Seattle to reserve my copy of the following books at the Seattle Public Library:

• How to Honey Boo Boo: The Complete Guide on How to Redneckongize the Honey Boo Boo in You
• Cookin ' Like Mama: Decorate, diet, barbecue, coupon, and cook like June with recipes for "sketti," roadkill BBQ, lemonade, "marannaise sammich," and more.
• Fun And Games: From the Redneck Games and June's famous mani-pedis to Christmas in July, relax redneck-style.
• How To Be A Beautimous Queen: Discover Honey Boo Boo's pageant secrets: makeup and fashion tips and advice on great costumes so you can be a supa star and rock dat stage!
• Everything But The Kitchen SinK: Hilarious tales, how-tos, DIY projects, and lists of things to do, plus behind-the-scenes stories, family photos, secrets of Glitzy the pampered pet pig, and more!
• Talk Like Hone Y Boo Boo: A Redneckopedia with essential vocabulary like "redneckognize," "vajiggle-jaggle," "old man glue," and more.
• Oh Yeah or No Way? Do you know a "forklift foot" from a "neck crust"? Test your Honey Boo Boo knowledge with fun quizzes on the Honey Boo Boo way of life.

         

Hey, it's OK....

Currently I am in Missouri visiting my parents. One of the reason I flew home is that I am finally moving all of my furniture and boxes that I have been storing at my parents's house since my move from Omaha to Seattle. Thankfully, I hired a professional moving van lines so there will not be any amusing near death Uhaul posts on this blog of me driving cross country. I am going through my boxes and getting rid of things, and I came across a box that had torn magazine pages in it. Upon closer inspection, I saw that all the pages were from Glamour magazines from 2007-2010. All the pages were from the "life & happiness 100% guilt-free page." On average this page had 5-10 guilt-free statements. I have put my favorite ones on this post. Remember, since these pages are from issues from 2007-2010 some are a little outdated but still amusing in my opinion. While reading each statement, make sure you put a "Hey, it's ok..." in front of it.

Hey, it's OK.....

• To count candy corn as a vegetable.
• Not to buy soap, jelly beans, batteries and shampoo (things you don't need) just so you don't walk up to the counter holding only a pregnancy test. The checkout guy is not going to call your mother.
• To high-five a complete stranger who's wearing your team's gear.
• If you've never felt a "runner's high." Unless you mean the high you feel when you stop running.
• To kindly ask men to stop saying, " We're pregnant."
• If there's not a name for your haircut. It's just the "you."
• If your idea of an extreme sport is driving around on a quarter tank of gas.
• To hold on to the dress you "borrowed" till she asks for it back.
• If you usually polish off the popcorn before the movie even starts.
• To view vigilant leg shaving in the same class as wearing white linen: necessary between Memorial Day and Labor Day only.
• If you still get flustered when the bra department saleslady feels you up.
• To check yourself out in the surveillance mirror at the ATM. Hello, foxy!
• If you'd rather watch Sex and the City reruns than half of the new shows on TV.
• To carry a 10-year-old battered wallet in your $350 Coach bag.
• If there are more clothes piled on your bedroom chair than hanging  in your closet.
• To make everyone feel your head when you think you have a fever.
• That you like to be seen doing the crossword in pen, even when you have to scribble over each answer three times.
• That you have no idea what "http," "html" or "url" actually stand for. (HyperText Transfer Protocol, Hypertext Markup Language and Uniform Resource Locator. Feel smarter? You're welcome.)
• If the main reason you're excited about the Super Bowl is the barbecue wings.
• If all the "art" on your walls comes from Crate and Barrel.
• To have a strict no-bed-making policy on weekends.
• To only polish the two toes sticking out of your peep toes.
• To give everyone in first class the evil eye as you pass by.
• To secretly hope the barista accidentally uses full-fat milk in your latte.
• To take offense at whatever follows "Hey, no offense..."
• To consider Spanx an exercise plan.
• To not let your nephew beat you at Candy Land. The kid's gotta grow up eventually.
• To still not be able to drive a stick.
• To ask every one of your friends for advice, then do exactly the opposite.
• To consider yourself the most sophisticated woman since Audrey Hepburn, but still sleep with stuffed animals.
• To ignore any e-mail with a subject line beginning, "FWD: FWD:FWD."
• To wonder whether Indiana Jones is a little too old to be traipsing around like that.
• To say, "Oh it's vintage" when someone compliments you on the Wet Seal sundress you've been wearing since high school.
• To get it with fries.
• To have never quite mastered that public-toilet hovering move.
• To skip the whole "I hope we can still be friends" charade. You have friends.
• To like the villainess more than the heroine.
• To ask the sweaty dude at the gym to wipe off that machine.
• To take every single personal day, holiday and sick day you're entitled to.
• If you've held on to your job and your friends for years--but lose your umbrella practically every time it rains.
• If you learned all the fancy French words you know from a menu.
• To shamelessly beg the guy at the DMV to do your photo. Again.
• To take the bigger piece.
• To discover all your new music courtesy of THE HILLS.
• To take a quick YouTube break at work. A sneezing panda can really clear the head.
• To laugh inappropriately every time Maury says, "Billy Bob...you are the father."
• To wish you came equipped with guy GPS. ("Turn left at the next man to avoid heartbreak. Recalculating!")
• To decide that if wearing Uggs is wrong, you don't want to be right.
• To shove it in the closet and consider your place cleaned.
• To pretend to text message to get out of talking with that hyper-chatty person standing next to you. It's called communi-faking, and we all do it.
• To say it's homemade. You opened the box, you mixed, you cared.
• To do a little Internet cheating--er, research--before book club.
• To call your mother, oh, approximately three times per recipe.
• To not act fun and personable until two cups of coffee. Not one. Not one and a half. Exactly two.
• To wait in line at the ice cream truck, surrounded by people three and a half feet tall.
• If your iPod is full of singers who were born in the 1990s. What? No need for age discrimination.
• Not to even know the names of your favorite restaurants. "The Mexican place by the road near the thing" works just fine.
• If the only thing keeping you from getting a dog is, frankly, the poop.
• To press 0 to speak to a live human every single time.
• To believe your scale in the morning, but not at night.
• To think that hat head is deadlier than frostbite.
• That when the delivery guy arrives with an especially large order of Chinese food, you call out "Food's here!"--to an empty house.
• If people who are tan in the middle of winter kind of freak you out.
• If you've tried deep breathing, yoga and mediation, and still find that screaming into a pillow is the best stress relief there is.
• If the closest you'll ever get to skinny-dipping is running through a sprinkler without your shoes on.
• To skim the front-page headlines but read every word of pieces like "Zoo Gives Panda Viagra."
• To spend 30 minutes in the museum and an hour in the gift shop.
• To think about the burrito you're going to down for dinner all through your yoga class.
• To base your March Madness picks on which mascot is the furriest and cutest. (Heart that UConn husky!)
• If you still need to think "righty tighty, lefty lossey" to screw and unscrew stuff.
• To have popcorn for dinner every once in a while. It's a whole grain!
• To think that the solution for dying batteries is pressing harder on the remote.
• To have an inexplicable compulsion to hoard matchbooks from fancy restaurants (even if you're not a smoker).
• To change into your pajamas the second you get home from work.
• If your idea of ironing is hanging your clothes up in the bathroom and taking a really long, hot shower.
• If every now and then you still feel like giving your sister a good pinch.
• To take everything off before stepping on the scale--underwear, jewelry, ponytail holder.
• If you always have to peek at the person next to you at the dinner party to remember which fork to use first.

Peas Can Be Witty

While my niece was visiting me in Seattle, we visited the Seattle's Children Museum, which should definitely make me a front-runner if not the guaranteed winner for the best aunt in the world award this year. It was five hours of me scanning the environment for germ-carrying, sticky, loud children while humoring my niece with the different interactive exhibits. She had a blast which is want truly matters, and the fact that I will probably never have to enter that prison again is just icing on the imaginary cake. However, during my visit, I did stumbled across a collection of pictures that were hung up in one of the play restaurants, Beansprouts, in the museum. Beansprouts is an actual restaurant in Seattle. The pictures on the wall displayed peas and word play on the word "peas".  I have never been a fan of eating peas and I think they smell awful. However, I thought the pictures were witty and I hope you enjoy them just as much as I did.

Pretty Peas
Beanpole
Let it Bean

My Niece's Amusing Seattle Visit

My niece, Abigail, just recently visited me again in Seattle. I always enjoy spending time with my niece; she is relatively easy to entertain and is overall delightful. She makes my job as an aunt pretty effortless and she enjoys the city of Seattle just as much as I do. However, not having children of my own, there are things that I forget about kids since I don't have daily interactions with them. Here are some of the "my niece says/does the darnest things" examples from her visit in Seattle:

• Children have weird food cravings. My niece has cravings like a pregnant woman. When I asked her what she wanted for breakfast one morning, she replied " I want strawberry shortcake and pickles for breakfast." Being the rational aunt that I am I thought about her request. Strawberry shortcake contains grains, dairy, and fruit. Pickles are vegetables. Therefore, I added some turkey bacon to her request and it instantly became a balanced breakfast...no wait, it was a breakfast for champions and it solidified my status as an awesome aunt.
• While at the Pacific Science Center, the center had an exhibit where guests guessed the different smells. The scent that my niece sniffed was coconut. When I asked her what the smell was my niece replied that it smelled like French Fries. Either McDonald's has revamped what constitutes a French Fry or my niece has a bazaar olfactory process. But then again, my sister was never that good of a cook, so maybe she does utilize coconuts one way or another when attempting to make French Fries.
• When getting ready to drive to the zoo, my niece proclaimed that she is now old enough to sit in the front seat. Her facial expression portrayed so much excitement and pride. It was in that moment that I remembered as a kid, it is a big freakin deal to sit in the front seat.
• The phrases, "Just a second," "I am almost done," "Wait," "Just one more minute," and "I have to finish this first" are very annoying when spoken by someone other than me.
• I was reminded about the "5-seconds rule"when my niece dropped food on the floor. When I told my niece that the rule is not followed when she is around me, she replied, "Shaida, you really shouldn't break rules." And then I nicely argued back, "If you can tell me where it says that it's a rule that has be followed, than I will consider conceding." After explaining what the word concede means my niece then replied, "I will google it and show you." Google it???? That is so unfair, when I was her age there was no google around for me to win an argument with my parents. In conclusion, I am currently having to consider the 5-second rule because apparently EVERYTHING is on the internet.
• Pushing buttons (ex: garage doors, elevators) are what a child lives for in their life. I accidently pressed the button and was reminded in a defeated little voice "Shaida, you promised I could do it."
• When a child (or maybe it's just my niece) watches television while eating it results in so many crumbs on my couch that all the ants in the world could live a happy and full life. The defense that my niece presented on that matter...."Shaida, it's gravity's fault not mine. Do you know what gravity is?"  Abigail: 1  Science: 1 Shaida: 0 
• While watching a movie, my niece feels that it is her job to tell me when an actor/actress says a cuss word by stating "They just said a bad word."
• Children make strange requests. Here in Seattle, no matter if it's 80 degrees outside, the water temperature is still only 50 degrees. My niece wanted to wear her swimsuit so she could "play" in the water even after I relentlessly told her the water would be too cold to play in and it wouldn't be safe. I let her wear her swimsuit anyway. Apparently, I wasted the time "arguing" with her. She wouldn't get within 10 feet of the water, and when there was a wave, she ran away from it. After leaving the beach I asked her how she liked the beach. She replied that she enjoyed playing in the water. "IN" the water??
• Children can truly guilt you into ANYTHING. She got to sleep in my bed the last night she stayed with me in Seattle because she was so sad that it was our last night together. When I was trying to tell her that I wouldn't be able to sleep well because of her snoring. She told me that she doesn't snore, but rather she just breathes deeply. Conclusion: her breathing "deeply" sounds like a freight train....no, a freight train is quieter.
• Children travel with all of their stuff animals and expect you to remember their names, and are deeply insulted when you don't.
• When my niece was talking about some of the cartoons she watches and her favorite characters, I didn't recognize 99% of them. When I asked her if she ever watches some of the cartoons (Rugrats, Doug, David the Gnome) I saw as a kid, she replied "No, because I don't like watching black and white television." How old does she think I am??
• There is a wine bar here in Seattle called Purple. My niece wanted to eat there because she thought all the food would be purple. When I told her that is not the kinds of food they serve, she stated, "Well in the Dr. Seuss book, Green Eggs and Ham, the food was green; therefore, a restaurant shouldn't call themselves purple if they won't serve purple food because that really disappoints people whose favorite colors are purple and pink." I am sure Purple is thrilled that my niece does not know how to leave restaurant reviews on the internet at this moment.
• Children cannot remember that you told them to take their dishes and napkins into the kitchen, even though you told them 10 seconds ago, HOWEVER, they absolutely remember that you promised them something from the gift shop 4 hours ago. 

Climbing Poo Poo Point

There are so many different trails to do in Washington that I think it is humanely impossible to attempt to do all them in a single lifetime.  If one walks into a Seattle Barnes and Noble there are several hiking books that describe and inform about hikes in Seattle or very close to Seattle. One of those books, 60 Hikes within 60 Miles (2^nd ed.) is a great option to follow if one wants to attempt the Poo Poo Point trail for the first time. Over the year that I have lived in Seattle, I have built of an endurance to walk almost endlessly on flat surface with the right shoes (I have walked 18.5 miles in one day before), but I would like to start incorporating more inclines; so I have been motivated to attempt more mountain trails.

The Poo Poo Point trail (go ahead and giggle like a 12-year old about the name for the trail) has a lot of unsigned junctions and it seemed to be easy to get lost in the first .25 miles of the trail. Therefore, I strongly advise getting a very detailed description of the trail; unless, you are all for hiking spontaneously all over a mountain. Wandering aimlessly on a mountain is not me, because I don't carry a compass, cannot use the stars for direction, and was not a Girl's Scout so I have zero skills for gathering and hunting. Basically, I would be the first person to die in the Hunger Games. The trail is rated as difficult for the incline, mileage, and the wonderful switchbacks; however, there are a couple of areas that are mostly flat. The trail was mostly dirt and gravel with a few dirt steps.

Poo Poo Point Trail is located on Tiger Mountain and offers a lot of forest and plant life on the trail.  There are a couple of bridges and a little water (creek). It was a little warmer than what I would like for a hike but the weather provided clear skies, which equals a great view once at the top. A potential added bonus that Poo Poo Point offers is getting to see paragliders launch from the top (unfortunately there wasn’t any launching during our visit). Additionally, there is an outhouse at the top if you are not one to pop a squat in the woods and it has hand sanitizer in it.

The approximately 8-mile roundtrip hike is not a loop. I hiked on a weekday, and there were several people on the trail but it never got congested. Additionally, there are two main trailheads to this trail: one at the high school and one right before I-90 ramp; we did the latter one.

View from the summit of Poo Poo Point

View from the summit of Poo Poo Point

The green landing area is where paragliders launch from

This is what a lot of the trail looks like (lots of green and trees, narrow path)

Climbing Little Mount Si

The first mountain I ever visited was Mount Rainier, because obviously there aren't a lot of chances for a midwestern to climb mountains in the midwest. I hiked trails around Mount Rainier but definitely did not attempt to climb the mountain from base to summit (Mount Rainier is the only 14er in the state of Washington). Therefore, the first mountain I climbed base to summit was Little Mount Si.  My friend had purchased the book, Day Hiking Snoqualmie Region as an ebook, so we consulted it for this hike.

We really only needed to use the book to find the parking lot because so many people use this trail that it was maintained well (hence not needing to consult the hiking book).  At the beginning of the trailhead there is an outhouse (and yes it smells awful; I don't think a gallon of febreeze would help the aroma). We hiked this trail on a weekday and we encountered a lot of people and unleashed dogs. I love dogs, but when you are on a mountain, I personally do not want a 100+ lbs dog running at me full speed with the potential of pushing me off the mountain. The view at the top is truly spectacular! I could have stayed up there forever!! Thankfully we had clear skies; therefore, we could see Mount Si (which was a little intimidating in a majestic kind-of-way) and a lot of the Snoqualmie River Valley.

For my first mountain climb it was the perfect amount of challenge with just enough motivation to make me want to climb it’s bigger brother, Mount Si. 

View of Mount Si from the summit of Little Si

View from the summit of Little Si, showing Snoqualmie River Valley

Snoqualmie River Valley view from the summit of Little Si

Enjoying the view of Mount Si from the rocks on the summit of Little Si

Well worth the hike up for this view of the Snoqualmie River Valley and mountains

I thought these exposed roots were cool and a little eerie 

The rocks were heavily covered in moss. There are places on Little Si for rock climbers to ascend the mountain

This is a view point at about .25 miles from the trailhead with the bathroom

This is signage at the first parking lot for Little Si (not the trailhead with the bathroom, but will connect to that one in about .1 mile)

Dreamland

I have recently finished reading the book Dreamland. My initial intrigue was that I tend to have "insomniac" tendencies and wanted to learn more about the world of sleeping. Although, I found it ironic that I would read this book right before I went to bed, it was too interesting to initiate any sheep counting to put me to sleep. The book isn't as heavily researched as for say a Mary Roach novel, but it does contain many stories/adventures with just enough science mixed in to make it the perfect blend of non-fiction.

Here are some interesting facts I learned from the novel:

-Most people spend a third of their lives asleep.

-Dolphins sleep with half of their brains awake at a time, giving them the ability to surface for air and be on the look-out for predators while the other half is presumably dreaming.

-Birds have the ability to put half of their brain to sleep or the whole thing.

-Lions and gerbils sleep 13 hours a day.

-Tigers and squirrels sleep approximately 15 hours.

-Elephants sleep 3.5 hours.

-Giraffes get about 1.5 hours sleep.

-Many studies have shown that splitting sleep into two roughly equal halves is something that our bodies will do if we give it the chance; but because of artificial light it is more difficult for our bodies to achieve this sleeping goal.

-because of the invention of the lightbulb, human sleeping has been changed forever, and caused a new world of health problems that comes from an overabundance of light.

-Thomas Edison founded a company called Edison Electric Co, which is now known as General Electric.

-Doctors currently think it is possible to train the brain to dream about subjects and characters (components that could haunt veterans when returned home), in a sense rewriting the stories that they tell themselves each night. This is called imagery rehearsal therapy; in studies involving combat veterans, imagery rehearsal therapy was as effective at reducing nightmares as medication.

-Companies such as Google, Nike, Procter & Gamble, and Cisco Systems have installed designated napping areas in their offices.

-Coffee is popular as a stimulant because it readily crosses the barrier between the blood and the brain, and once in the brain caffeine block the absorption of adenosine (a nucleotide that slows down nerve connections and makes you feel drowsy).

-In 2001 invasion of Afghanistan, pieces of gum that packed 100 milligrams of caffeine (more than a shot of espresso) were given to soldiers.

            -Packets are currently available to civilians at Amazon.com, each one stamped with the slogan    “Stay Awake, Stay Alive.”

-A wrist activograph (a wristwatch-sized sleep monitor) records the body’s movements each minute to determine whether the person wearing it is asleep or awake.

            -By 2020, the monitor is expected to become a standard part of a soldier’s gear.

-Sleepwalking is called somnambulism.

-When someone is sleepwalking, the parts of the brain that control movement and spatial awareness are awake, while the parts of the brain responsible for consciousness are still asleep.

-There was a case involving a man who drove 14 miles while sleepwalking and killed his mother and father-in laws and was found by a jury to be not guilty of the murders. His attorney indicated “sleepwalking wasn’t a defect of the mind. It was simply a normal condition in which the body acted without any conscious input from the brain. “ Therefore her client could not be held responsible for something he never chose to do and he couldn’t be deemed insane for a common and temporary state."

-Her client’s deeds coined a new term: non-insane automatism.

-A 1992 National Commission on Sleep Disorders report estimates that sleep apnea was the cause of 38,000 fatal heart attacks and strokes in the U.S. each year.

-Apnea comes from the Greek word for breathless.

-English bulldogs, pugs, and other breeds with pushed-in faces are the only animals besides humans that experience sleep apnea.