How To Quinoa: Life Lessons

Some may classify the stereotypical Seattleite (a person whom lives in Seattle) as one who always wears plaid, shields themselves from any bright lights or sunlight, believe umbrellas are for suckers and of course for tourists, recycling and composting are their religion, they can somewhat drive in the rain but it starts snowing and they start abandoning their vehicles on the road, 50% are either driving a Subaru or a Hybrid, and every dish could use some kale or more kale. I have embraced many of these stereotypes, and through excessive people watching have realized why Seattle is regarded as the most “hipster” city in the United States.

A book I have recently come across, How To Quinoa: Life Lessons from My Imaginary Well-Dressed Daughter, is basically a “how-to” on becoming exponentially more interesting and on-trend. The foundation of the book came from the Pinterest board, My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter. The daughter’s name is Quinoa. If you have no idea what “quinoa” is then you are in desperate need of this book, and you should immediately stop eating at Fastfood Restaurants. Here are some examples from the empowering, fictional, girl that will make you realize how uncool your childhood was, but how you can save your own child’s reputation.

The Rules of Being a Hipster:

• You do not call yourself a hipster.
•  If something is deemed “cool” or “mainstream” or “popular,” its appeal is immediately over.
• Only two neck tattoos, temporary or otherwise.
• One scarf at a time, fellas
• No well-tailored shirts, no cheap shoes (only expensive shoes that look like cheap shoes).
• Irony will go on as long as it has to.
• Mustaches. Period.

Essential Hipster Vocabulary List: mainstream, retro, on-point, vintage, locally sourced, mid-century modern, indie, early adopter, pickled, and organic.

Suspected Undercover Hipsters: Queen Elizabeth, Regis Philbin, Peyton Manning, Honey Boo Boo, and Jeff Gordon

Quinoa-approved names: Aioli, Asterisk, Cardamom, Chai, Chardonnay, Downton, Edamame, Farro, Fig, Hashtag, Iffy, Kale, Latte, Orzo, Paleo, Panko, Saffron, Sriracha, Twerk, Valium, Venti, Wasabi,  and Zoloft

The Seven Deadly Sins of Fashion: yoga pants, pleated jeans, fleece jackets, coveralls, toe socks, athletic jerseys, and Hawaiian shirts

Ten Buzzwords to Get Your Preschool Application Noticed: demonstrated interest, charter, rigor, assessment, e-learning, crowdsourcing, diversity, data-driven, activism, and tolerance.

The key to choosing worthwhile extracurricular activities, Quinoa says, is to follow three simple criteria: Can it be posted on Pinterest? Can it be posted on Instagram? Can it be posted on Youtube? Anything that falls outside these criteria is not worth her time.

Quinoa urges you to avoid these outdated and subpar activities: soccer, violin, finger painting, Gymboree, book clubs, mommy and me, swimming, and piano.

Quinoa’s Top Ten Charities: Kids Against Coveralls, Boat Rides for Orphans, Eighties Awareness,  Friends of Soy, Handbags for Hobos, Yachts for Tots, Makeovers for the Middle Class, Dry-cleaning for the Destitute,  and Eradicating Tie-Dye

Quinoa’s Respectable and Elaborate Playdate Themes: An Afternoon with Ryan Gosling, Mason Jar Mania, Snack Time at Tiffany’s, Mirrors! Mirrors! Everywhere!, and CSI: Preschool

When to Turn Down a Subpar Invitation: no dress code, mention of trampolines/bicycles/laser tag, fairy-tale princess dress-up, words casual or sneakers included on the invitation, BYO anything, crayon or lego affiliation, rumors of juice boxes or raisins on the menu, and locations with word “playland”.

Qunioa’s Essential International Phrases:

• “It’s a pleasure to meet me.”
• “Yes, I am the one you’ve been hearing about.”
• “Bring me a freshly baked pastry before my blood sugar drops any lower.”
• “I’ll take one of everything.”
• “This food does not meet my expectations. Please have the chef fired.”
• “Can you please remove these tourist from the area?”
• “I’m going to need you to speak English.”
• “Does this ancient artifact come in blue?”
• “Here, Driver. Please take this deodorant. And use it.” 

Disclaimer: There is more advice in this book. In addition, the photos in this book will instantly make you feel like you must throw everything out of your closet, hire a stylist, and replace everything you own in your closet and house to even begin to look a fraction of on-trend as the toddlers in this book. Yes, I was envious and jealous of every-single toddler featured in this book. And one of my favorite topics in this book is the page of acceptable children's name; it's absolutely genius!