Surviving Holiday Shopping

So recently I have become addicted to the magazine, Real Simple, it really is a magazine that makes my life simpler (you gotta love those literal meanings), and at the low price of only $4.99 a month. What a bargain, right? Well in the November 2011 issue it has a article titled, "Your guide to getting your shopping done in day" that I thought it was pertinent to share that list (in green) and of course my commentary (red).

• 8am 
• Fuel up
• Skip a carbohydrate-filled breakfast, but rather have a meal loaded with fiber, protein and healthy fats.
• Are you telling me that there are people out there that do not need to start their day with fiber...who are these people? 3 year olds? And don't worry editors at Real Simple, I have seen the commercials, you are what you eat. Therefore, I know if I eat a donut, then my butt will instantly become a donut on steroids and I will not be able to walk through doors.
• Don't dress just for comfort
• Don't wear sweats and sneakers because they make you feel insecure.
• Instead, makes sure you wear your wedding dress (or for us single ladies, a prom dress) with heels. This is the ensemble will totally boost your self-confidence! And your family didn't want you to spend so much money on a dress that you were only going to wear once; you proved them wrong! Plus implementing this choice of apparel will solidify   Guideline #4- head out solo.
• Download an upbeat playlist
• "Holiday music makes us nostalgic. We linger in the store and buy more to capture that warm, fuzzy feeling."
• If I am trying to capture that warm and fuzzy feeling I will just get a stuffed teddy bear. Also nothing says cheery shopping music like some Eminem.
• Get dibs on discounts
• Download apps offered by your favorite retailer (latest information on sales) or the ScanLife app (which gives you the best price at a local or online establishment).
• You want to get the most discount, encourage your friends to do a coupon war for holiday shopping. I am sure all of the cashiers will LOVE you.
• Head out solo
• People tend to mimic one another.
• WHAT? People can feel peer pressured? Fine, I will head out solo but I am totally going to skype my friends during my shopping adventures; how else am I going to get their opinions on the cute shoes for me....I mean for my mom...
• 9:30am
• Stop at the bank
• Leave your credit cards at home.
• But I cannot unmemorize my credit card number, so this is a moot rule for me. I mean its typical and normal to have your credit card number memorize but yet have to look at your cell phone for you parent's phone number, right?
• Then hit the mall
• Go through a side door or the food court entrance to avoid eye appealing displays.
• Hitting the mall sounds painful. Besides I was taught at a young age you only hit when you are hitting someone back.
• Buy less expensive stuff first
• Therefore you brain doesn't lose perspective on what is a good price.
• Dilemma: what if I am getting a lump of coal for everyone. Each lump of coal is the same price; so where do I start?
• 1pm
• Eat lunch
• Eating carbs will make you want to take a nappy-poo.
• Don't forget that fiber. Besides you will probably be turned off on eating carbs after seeing fellow mall shoppers with muffin and bagel butts walking around and knocking over stuff all day.
• 2pm
• Perk yourself up
• Treat yourself to something inexpensive in order to stay in a pleasant mood.
• Child-free mall is a FREE thing to keep me in a pleasant mood. See I am all about saving money.
• Skip lines
• You might pick up something on the whim.
• Therefore, just cut in line. Or flash a fake police or medical badge and say it's an emergency, retail emergency!
• Steer clear of attractive sales people
• People tend to trust folks whom they find physically appealing.
• If only all sales associates were required to dress up as Santa Claus this would be a moot point.
• Get in, get out
• Don't listen to the sale pitches; it will make you more likely to buy the item(s).
• Definitely go into the mall with the same mentality as if you were robbing a bank, "gotta get in and then get out as quickly as possible."
• 6pm
• Multitask at dinner
• Eat dinner at a restaurant that offers gift-card freebies.
• I multitask at every dinner- I have long-winded conversations and occasionally eat something.
• 8pm
• Back at home, search for discount codes
• Look for websites with free shopping.
• Wouldn't it be awesome if throughout your home there would be discount codes hidden throughout it...BEST SCAVENGER HUNT EVER!
• Cash in your rewards
• Use credit card points to go towards gift cards.
• Doesn't cash always reap rewards?
• Buy toys online
• You don't have peruse ransacked selves.
• Toy stores tend to the location where children literally multiple, and who needs that type of stress during the holiday season. Plus children are just time-ticking germ bombs, and I don't want to be there when a child explodes, or sneezes on me...yuck!
• Be a little sneaky
• Just as you're about to finalize an online purchase, cancel the order." "If you've previously shopped the site, the merchant should have your email address, and you may get a message within minutes touting a discount code."
• Santa Claus is sneaky, why shouldn't you be?
• ALL DONE

Or you can just shop online from the beginning in your PJs drinking coffee while avoiding cold weather (scraping your car), crying children, standing in lines, and no exercise necessary (except some finger exercising). Wow, I just came up with a one-step plan on surviving holiday shopping. Sometimes I  scare myself with my genius ideas.