"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."
W.C. Fields
"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
Dick Gregory
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Johnny Carson.
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
Bernard Manning.
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
Jay Leno.
"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?"
Tom Armstrong
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."
Victor Borge
"Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." -Dennis Miller
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